001: that time richard made a post on that network thing (video)

[tummyflowers]

[On the feed appears a man! No, not a man, a king. And his username is real_life_actual_king, since that's kind of important. Although often an informal unit, Richard is decked out in the standard issue armor and helmet of the Royal Guard. It's polished to perfection. He clears his throat.]

Hello all, it's me. I'm Kind Richard with the disclaimer that the name is intentionally ironic. I've just returned from the beach, which was just fantastic. I had a great time, all around. Never did get to see that fighting pit I kept hearing about, but a really good time altogether. And how about that train, am I right? Talk about posh.

Anyway, I wanted to give people a bit of a heads up. I'm with the Royal Guard and by now, kind of a venerated veteran of sorts, I wanted to let people know that we are still recruiting. Mind you, I'm not doing the recruiting! This is more of an information awareness announcement, since you'll have to speak directly to the Commander. A tad inefficient on her part, I'll grant you, but delegation is not her strongest suit. But you tell them that your old pal Rick sent you and you'll be well on your way to making this city a better, safer place to live. Also, you'll get paid for it, so that's a nice little bonus as well. Once you're in, you can have a talk with me. I run the armory, so I'll get you hooked up with the same kind of trendy fashion you see on display right now.

Now, unrelated to this whole business of being a guard, I wanted to open the floor to people who may have had experiences like I have had. If you've recently loss your kingdom and seat of power and been reduced to living the life of a meaningless and inconsequential peasant, then you're talking to someone who's been there. It's not easy, believe me. I've gone through a number of musical numbers just trying to cope with it. But if you need someone to talk to, then I'm there for you. You don't have to suffer alone anymore.

I think that's about it. Now, how the hell do I stop this from recording? Is this it?

Ah, good. That was easier than I thought. I think I did pretty well with the whole psycho-therapeutic mentoring thing there at the end, eh Tad Cooper? Really inspired some hope in those poor hopeless sods. Hm? The light's still on? Oh hell.

Maybe if I just... and then... okay, I'll just-!

[And like that, the message ends. Finally.]

Comments

video; username: Crusader08

[panzersoldat]

[ What appears is a rather large older man. He is missing an eye. But he looks absolutely ecstatic about the idea of this. But also, it's a king and that makes Reinhardt giddy. Closest thing he had ever had to a king had been Balderich. ]

Your Highness, what if we already have our own armor? Would we be allowed to wear it still?

[tummyflowers]

[Oh, a Crusader. Very old school. They've sort of fallen out of style in Richard's time, mostly due to them having been horrendous failures and that whole incident with burning down Constantinople. You didn't really want to brag about being a Crusader these days, but hey. Kudos for old school. The guy certainly looked like he could've been from that time.]

Oh, absolutely. But we do have a color system going on, which is black. So, if the armor is black. You're good to go.

video; un: labyrinths

[buildindreemz]

Have you talked to Byerly? He's an Emperor.

[ Ariadne peers at Richard's armor for a moment. ]

Is that the sort of thing people wore all the time where you're from?

[tummyflowers]

More or less, yes. I mean, it was more fashionable where I was from, but mostly like this. But I haven't met this Emperor Byerly yet. He must be more depressed than anyone.

[Richard lost TWO kingdoms and it nearly broke him! Losing an empire must be soul wrenching.]

video | un: Priorly

[priorly]

[A low whistle]

Well I do like the trendy outfit, very butch. You've clearly paid a lot of attention to your helmet.

[This transmission is coming from someone in soft grey PJs with little pink flowers on.]

[tummyflowers]

Oh, well thank you. Butch is really what we're going for here. So, the whole... ensemble you have now isn't really what we're going for.

un: nash, video.

[latkje]

Well, I was a character actor of some local repute, and now I'm a character of no repute whatsoever. Which is mostly the same thing, now that I think about it. Funny how you can go a long way and wind up in the same place.

[ A pause. ]

What sort of skills is the Royal Guard looking for?

[tummyflowers]

[Richard has basically no idea what that's supposed to mean. Character actor? No repute? Funny?]

Ah, well, the typical sort of skills. Standing around looking menacing, good sense of color coordination, and ensuring important looking buildings don't go missing. Typical guard things.

voice | un: Armstrong

[wallofbriggs]

And if we don't want the armor?

[It's nice and all, but it would just get in the way.]

[tummyflowers]

Well, I mean, that would be a waste. I mean it's basically a perk! But it's not necessary. You just have to wear black and pin one of these on. [He adjusts the camera to show the gem gleaming over his heart.]

video; un: pholia

[baguablade]

[ That's... certainly a lot to take in. But one detail sticks out enough that it has Cain leaning forward toward his own screen a little, asking, bemused: ]

Sorry, did you say musical numbers?

[tummyflowers]

Yes. Musical numbers. It's how I process things.

[A touch irritably, because nobody seems to get that this is a normal thing. Indeed, it's people who DON'T have musical numbers that are weird.]

in person

[flashystyle]

[Dorian has been enjoying his nice, long, bordering two-hour bathroom occupation as Richard puts this message out. He's in a nice robe and slippers, lining his eyes when he overhears. It's immediately after that terribly ending note that he sticks his head out of the door, hair sticking to his forehead.]

Someone told me you aren't actually in the guard. Why are you acting as a poster man?

[tummyflowers]

[... oh goddammit. He was already a bit flustered at messing up the message, but now this.. He had hoped maybe Merlin was wrong, but now Dorian was talking about it too?]

That's... it's being taken care of. And excuse me if I want to do the city some good. Some of us like to contribute, you know!

video

[sweetwater]

[ Cheryl likes Richard, which is why she is going to reply even though her situation isn't quite the same as his. but it almost is! ]

I would have been heir to the Blossom Maple Farms empire. It's all gone now - the trees, the barn, our home. Riverdale was founded on our maple syrup. [ she pauses. ] And Riverdale is nothing more than a memory now.

video

[tummyflowers]

[Ah good old Cheryl. It's been awhile since they talked! Now she was someone who got him. Despite being the heir to a farm... empire?]

It's the same way with my kingdom. I doubt anyone knows it's name now. [Including the writers of Galavant! Forever just called Richard's Land...]

voice; un: theEND

[winddaughter]

How is your dragon, anyway?

[She's actually serious. And she'll focus on Tad Cooper as a topic because it's better to ignore everything else that comes out of Richard's mouth.]

[tummyflowers]

[Ah yes, he knows this voice too.]

Doing quite well, actually. I've got him on a rigorous diet for his weight building. He measured an inch longer, I'll have you know. It won't be long now before he really starts getting enormous.

video; un: eproghuefgdzptrrw

[vorrutyer]

[ Cheerily: ]

I actually got a promotion, myself. I'm Emperor now.

[tummyflowers]

Oh, my dear friend, you have my sincerest condolences. To have lost an entire empire? I can only imagine.

video | un: c.fraser

[nineteenfortyfive]

I'm sure I'll see you in the clinic again soon enough, then.

[Someone is going to stab him. She feels it.]

[tummyflowers]

Excuse me, I'm sorry, is that some kind of threat? That's really beneath you.

audio | un: wynonna

[barreling]

Man, who hasn't lost a kingdom or two, amirite?

[tummyflowers]

It's more common than you'd think! Especially being here and the whole, you know, Storm business.

voice, un: ironborn

[reek]

[ Ah, Richard. You're just the man Theon needed to see: an easy man to make fun of. Excuse him while he laughs. ]

I suppose a man like you would be in need of armor at all times.

[tummyflowers]

I know you're trying to insult me here, but I'm really not following it. Is armor a bad thing where you're from?

video / 1/2

[punshots]

Are you the very vision of a venerated veteran?

[ He literally didn't think of anything else to say. He just saw the opportunity for wordplay, and ran with it. Bye! ]

2/2

[punshots]

[ But at some point, he reviews the original message, attention snagging on something else he absolutely overlooked in his rush to be so clever. ]

Wait! Hold the proverbial phone! [ Except it's sort of literal? This is a phone he's using. ] Did you just say you...cope with your problems through musical numbers? Are you, like, a one-man flash mob?

voice; un: hawks eye

[strictdiscipline]

[ She already has a job so Richard's offer goes largely ignored but there is something - well, many somethings, actually - that catches her attention but she'll start with the first, which is— ]

"Meaningless and inconsequential peasant?"

[ Excuse you. ]

[tummyflowers]

I mean that in a very flattering way.

video (id: karad)

[mayarah]

[ in the simulation that she'd believed to be reality upon first waking up here, kara had been a member of the royal guard. she'd liked it then and she needs a job now, she's pretty sure, even if there are still things she might need to figure out beforehand. (how honest to be about her powers, mainly.)

those things inform her curiosity now. ] What's it like, working for the royal guard?

[ but also: ] I've never met a real life actual king before!

[tummyflowers]

Well first off, thank you. Been doing the king thing most of my life, so I get that a lot. But as for the guard work, it's pretty straight forward stuff. A lot of standing, walking around, and barking 'I saw that!' just in case someone nearby did something wrong. You get discounts at restaurants, so that's nice, and you don't really have to worry about saving up for retirement because you'll most likely be killed in an alleyway at some point before then.

[He may be joking about one of those things. It's up to her to decide which.]

video | username: xXx_trueblue_xXx

[competing]

Next time I need to work out some problems, I'll be sure to hit you up for a couple of verses.

[ it's meant mostly in jest, because he can barely find words for his current problems as it is, but he truly does appreciate richard's attempts to offer his services here. it's that kind of "all for one, one for all!" mentality that he's all about, you know!

that said, he would be remiss not to offer his own services. ]

In return, maybe I can help you finagle your way around these phones.

[tummyflowers]

[Wow, did Lance really have to go and make the whole singing thing weird? Why couldn't he be more like Magnus, who just accepted it as part of reality and didn't bring it up again? Boy, some people were just so... so...]

Buddy! Thanks for the offer but I think I've got it on lock. I mean, have you seen me type on this thing? I can make my text go all slanted. That's pretty advanced stuff.

video | un: x crow x

[unpromising]

[ Qrow does not look amused... but he'll respond out of boredom. ]

So, are you a royal guard or a musical therapist?

[ YOU CAN'T BE BOTH!!! ]

[tummyflowers]

I'm not a musical therapist! Why does everyone keep zeroing in on that?

[He's just trying to listen to people! To help them! And this is what he gets.]

Video; UN- Abelas

[getoutofmytemple]

[He did have a passing interest in joining the royal guard, however he struggled to take orders from one that had yet to earn his respect, so he was quick to dismiss that topic. He considered dismissing the entire pile of rambled nonsense when he caught that last bit.

So a king mourning the splendor of being a king. Taking it surprisingly well, or he had already snapped. Hard to tell, he was still not used to dealing with those that held such optimism.]

The kingdom I served long fell before I arrived here. My rank was rendered all but meaningless centuries ago, and the duties I tended to were in vain. [A beat.] I do not see the good merely talking about such things will do.

[tummyflowers]

... wow. That is really, really depressing. And maybe a tad bit obsessive? Like, I know a get a bad wrap for title dropping the whole 'king' business, but buddy. That was like, a year ago for me. After a few centuries, maybe it's time to move on? A little?

[Okay this isn't the kind of help he was supposed to be giving, but really? Centuries? That's a long time to heal.]

audio | un: aceofhearts

[exorion]

Wait, wait, wait-- are you saying you're not kind?

[asking the important questions]

[tummyflowers]

I know, I know. It's a surprise, isn't it? But I'm a coldhearted cynic at heart. You won't find me stopping to pet any cute pups.

[Except when he does. And except for his limitless supply of optimism. But those are all a facade for the true bastard inside.]

Audio | un: pnwsalex

[11calls]

[She can't help it, and her words are just completely a question:]

Musical numbers?

[tummyflowers]

[He groans, exasperated.]

Yes! It's a number that is musical. Singing, a bit of footwork, a montage perhaps. It's a thing, okay?

video, un: lordexplosionmurder

[hothead]

Shut up.

[ THIS MESSAGE IS WAY TOO LONg and he stopped listening somewhere around 'posh'. Still hung in there to chime with this after it was over, though. ]

[tummyflowers]

No, you shut up!

[There was really no other way for this to go.]

video; un: capn.sparrow

[drinkupmehearties]

[ Living the life of a meaningless and inconsequential peasant, omg Richard you can't just say something like that.

Also, 'musical numbers'? Jack isn't entirely convinced this guy isn't some play-actor or minstrel of some sort because of that. ] Blimey, can't even imagine the suffering you've had to endure with havin' to properly feed and clothe yourself, mate.

[ Kings have servants to do things like that, right? ]

[tummyflowers]

Right? And yet, I endured all of it! And while I didn't come out better on the other side, I did land on my feet. It's very inspiring, I feel.

[And he wants to share it! Too bad everyone wants to criticize him for the one time he actually did somewhat okay at a thing.]

video | un: null

[cassus]

Oh, so now we have a King in our midst as well?

All this royalty, slumming it with the filthy rabble. It must be awful for you all!

[ Dazai's tries to feign a sympathetic tone, when it isn't smothered in sarcasm. ]

Tell me something. With such a brilliant mind and witty tongue as yours-

How did you manage to keep the 'meaningless and inconsequential peasants' in your kingdom from rising up and putting your head on a spike?

[tummyflowers]

Wow, did a king raid and burn down your village or something? Because, dude. Bitter much?