001: that time richard made a post on that network thing (video)

[tummyflowers]

[On the feed appears a man! No, not a man, a king. And his username is real_life_actual_king, since that's kind of important. Although often an informal unit, Richard is decked out in the standard issue armor and helmet of the Royal Guard. It's polished to perfection. He clears his throat.]

Hello all, it's me. I'm Kind Richard with the disclaimer that the name is intentionally ironic. I've just returned from the beach, which was just fantastic. I had a great time, all around. Never did get to see that fighting pit I kept hearing about, but a really good time altogether. And how about that train, am I right? Talk about posh.

Anyway, I wanted to give people a bit of a heads up. I'm with the Royal Guard and by now, kind of a venerated veteran of sorts, I wanted to let people know that we are still recruiting. Mind you, I'm not doing the recruiting! This is more of an information awareness announcement, since you'll have to speak directly to the Commander. A tad inefficient on her part, I'll grant you, but delegation is not her strongest suit. But you tell them that your old pal Rick sent you and you'll be well on your way to making this city a better, safer place to live. Also, you'll get paid for it, so that's a nice little bonus as well. Once you're in, you can have a talk with me. I run the armory, so I'll get you hooked up with the same kind of trendy fashion you see on display right now.

Now, unrelated to this whole business of being a guard, I wanted to open the floor to people who may have had experiences like I have had. If you've recently loss your kingdom and seat of power and been reduced to living the life of a meaningless and inconsequential peasant, then you're talking to someone who's been there. It's not easy, believe me. I've gone through a number of musical numbers just trying to cope with it. But if you need someone to talk to, then I'm there for you. You don't have to suffer alone anymore.

I think that's about it. Now, how the hell do I stop this from recording? Is this it?

Ah, good. That was easier than I thought. I think I did pretty well with the whole psycho-therapeutic mentoring thing there at the end, eh Tad Cooper? Really inspired some hope in those poor hopeless sods. Hm? The light's still on? Oh hell.

Maybe if I just... and then... okay, I'll just-!

[And like that, the message ends. Finally.]

Comments

[tummyflowers]

I seem to recall that someone wouldn't come out of the tree. They were like a frightened little squirrel. Adorable, but a bit sad.

[reek]

You refused to climb. It might have made for an interesting fight otherwise.

[tummyflowers]

Fighting in trees? Are you from some sort of monkey clan or something?

[reek]

Do not be a fool. Oh--pardon me, it's far too late for that.

[ ZING. ]

You seemed intent upon fighting me, yet you refused to come to my level.

[tummyflowers]

I suppose you're right. Next time I see you, I'll bring a shovel, eh?

[ Triple ZING Score.]

[reek]

I suppose digging up the roots of the tree is the only way you might have won?

[ Quadruple zing? ]

[tummyflowers]

I-... How would that even work? Was that supposed to be a zing? Because it honestly makes no sense.

[reek]

It would bring the tree down to your level.

[ Oh my god Richard please, he's trying. ]

Was it supposed to be a what?

[tummyflowers]

A zing. You know, a sort of biting remark. Which that was not on account of the whole... nonsensical nature of it. Really? Digging a tree out so you'd be on ground level?

[He's just... so disappointed. This is not how you make comebacks. Richard should know! He's been professionally trained.]

[reek]

Are you critiquing me?

[ You wouldn't dare. I mean, clearly you would dare, but you wouldn't dare. ]

You?

[tummyflowers]

I know. It's a bit of a surprise for me, too. Really sort of puts it all in perspective, doesn't it?

[You know you're doing bad when Richard has one up on you.]

[reek]

[ ...Yeah, it kind of does. Theon needs to work on his material, big time. ]

Well--

[ Come on, buddy, you can do this. ]

Do not.

[tummyflowers]

Come again? Do not? That's what you decided to go with?

[Maybe it's because Richard has so much experience being on the other side of zingers, but he's alarmed that he's the one coming out on top of this conversation. It's bewildering!]

[reek]

[ The fact that Richard is able to completely drag him has put it all in perspective, and it's really pretty sad. Asha is one thing, but Richard? ]

I will not have you insulting me. How close are you to death anyway? You do seem quite old.

[ So because of that, he aims low. ]

[tummyflowers]

How close am I to death? Well it's not like I send him postcards or anything. I'm very healthy, I'll have you know.

[He's got plenty of years left in his life, thank you very much. For one, he's not from Westeros.]

[reek]

And very old.

[ It's...it's literally all he has right now. ]

[tummyflowers]

Yes. We've been through that already. Do you have any other material?

[reek]

[ ...Not really. ]

I know next to nothing else about you, save for the fact that you have a face that only a mother could love.

[tummyflowers]

[Wow that's... that's just mean. And it hurts. Because he had a face that only a nanny could love and only because she was paid and had no choice in the matter.]

I... I think I'm going to need to go now.

[It's time for a good long cry.]