001: that time richard made a post on that network thing (video)

[tummyflowers]

[On the feed appears a man! No, not a man, a king. And his username is real_life_actual_king, since that's kind of important. Although often an informal unit, Richard is decked out in the standard issue armor and helmet of the Royal Guard. It's polished to perfection. He clears his throat.]

Hello all, it's me. I'm Kind Richard with the disclaimer that the name is intentionally ironic. I've just returned from the beach, which was just fantastic. I had a great time, all around. Never did get to see that fighting pit I kept hearing about, but a really good time altogether. And how about that train, am I right? Talk about posh.

Anyway, I wanted to give people a bit of a heads up. I'm with the Royal Guard and by now, kind of a venerated veteran of sorts, I wanted to let people know that we are still recruiting. Mind you, I'm not doing the recruiting! This is more of an information awareness announcement, since you'll have to speak directly to the Commander. A tad inefficient on her part, I'll grant you, but delegation is not her strongest suit. But you tell them that your old pal Rick sent you and you'll be well on your way to making this city a better, safer place to live. Also, you'll get paid for it, so that's a nice little bonus as well. Once you're in, you can have a talk with me. I run the armory, so I'll get you hooked up with the same kind of trendy fashion you see on display right now.

Now, unrelated to this whole business of being a guard, I wanted to open the floor to people who may have had experiences like I have had. If you've recently loss your kingdom and seat of power and been reduced to living the life of a meaningless and inconsequential peasant, then you're talking to someone who's been there. It's not easy, believe me. I've gone through a number of musical numbers just trying to cope with it. But if you need someone to talk to, then I'm there for you. You don't have to suffer alone anymore.

I think that's about it. Now, how the hell do I stop this from recording? Is this it?

Ah, good. That was easier than I thought. I think I did pretty well with the whole psycho-therapeutic mentoring thing there at the end, eh Tad Cooper? Really inspired some hope in those poor hopeless sods. Hm? The light's still on? Oh hell.

Maybe if I just... and then... okay, I'll just-!

[And like that, the message ends. Finally.]

Comments

[tummyflowers]

Well there's absolutely nothing wrong with being sensitive. Even the foulest criminal can fall prey to a sharp criticism. [How Richard went from a tyrant to drifter in an eight episode course.]

[latkje]

My missus does plenty of damage with her dull criticisms, too. [ A pause. ] She says I'm a talker, not a fighter.

[tummyflowers]

God, don't even talk to me about the missuss. She knew exactly how to get me write where I was most vulnerable and drive me to tears. Not a healthy relationship, let me tell you.

[latkje]

[ Ah, a kindred spirit! ]

Some would say a wife needs to have access to your vulnerable parts.

[tummyflowers]

If only. [Err.] I mean, if only she didn't. Hadn't. I mean, it's over now.

[Whew. Nice recovery.]

[latkje]

[ Very smooth, Richard, but he'll roll with it. ]

Is she one of the people who haven't woken up yet?

[tummyflowers]

Yes. And thank the Natha for that. God willing, she never comes out.

[latkje]

I've always said that the keys to a successful marriage are a willing disposition and long absences.

The Natha have only provided me with one of those.

[tummyflowers]

I was the only one with the willing disposition. I don't think even the Natha could have given her one.

[He really should have asked more of the Natha when they first approached him. Like "Never wake Madalena ever" as a starter.]

[latkje]

[ He nods. ]

What would you say is the most horrible thing about her?

[tummyflowers]

If I had to narrow it down to just one thing, I would probably have to say it was the way that she invited my brother to usurp my throne and had me exiled from my own kingdom. That one really stung.

[latkje]

Well, sometimes you need to be outside of your kingdom to really see it, but that does sound completely terrible.

[tummyflowers]

Mmhm, that may be. But since we're talking wives, how about yours? What does she do that just absolutely grinds your gears?

[latkje]

Oh, she's a real bloodsucker. Arrogant, never keeps promises, and always a critic— I can never do anything right, but she still wants me to do everything. It makes no sense, but when I tried to explain that to my missus, she just said that I talk too much.

[tummyflowers]

Wow, are you sure we're not married to the same woman? Because every word of that gave me horrible flashbacks.

[latkje]

[ He tilts his head, thinking it over. ]

I wouldn't put it past her. [ A shrug. ] She definitely has her secrets. But my missus is one of a kind.