elnysa | 001: that time richard made a post on that network thing (video)

[On the feed appears a man! No, not a man, a king. And his username is real_life_actual_king, since that's kind of important. Although often an informal unit, Richard is decked out in the standard issue armor and helmet of the Royal Guard. It's polished to perfection. He clears his throat.]

Hello all, it's me. I'm Kind Richard with the disclaimer that the name is intentionally ironic. I've just returned from the beach, which was just fantastic. I had a great time, all around. Never did get to see that fighting pit I kept hearing about, but a really good time altogether. And how about that train, am I right? Talk about posh.

Anyway, I wanted to give people a bit of a heads up. I'm with the Royal Guard and by now, kind of a venerated veteran of sorts, I wanted to let people know that we are still recruiting. Mind you, I'm not doing the recruiting! This is more of an information awareness announcement, since you'll have to speak directly to the Commander. A tad inefficient on her part, I'll grant you, but delegation is not her strongest suit. But you tell them that your old pal Rick sent you and you'll be well on your way to making this city a better, safer place to live. Also, you'll get paid for it, so that's a nice little bonus as well. Once you're in, you can have a talk with me. I run the armory, so I'll get you hooked up with the same kind of trendy fashion you see on display right now.

Now, unrelated to this whole business of being a guard, I wanted to open the floor to people who may have had experiences like I have had. If you've recently loss your kingdom and seat of power and been reduced to living the life of a meaningless and inconsequential peasant, then you're talking to someone who's been there. It's not easy, believe me. I've gone through a number of musical numbers just trying to cope with it. But if you need someone to talk to, then I'm there for you. You don't have to suffer alone anymore.

I think that's about it. Now, how the hell do I stop this from recording? Is this it?

Ah, good. That was easier than I thought. I think I did pretty well with the whole psycho-therapeutic mentoring thing there at the end, eh Tad Cooper? Really inspired some hope in those poor hopeless sods. Hm? The light's still on? Oh hell.

Maybe if I just... and then... okay, I'll just-!

[And like that, the message ends. Finally.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

You can hang banners from them, too. Very color-coordinated. Seems like less trouble than keeping all that armor polished.

Yes, well, let's not take that to the Commander. Sort of puts a damper on that whole... getting paid business. [This guy... maybe too clever for his own good. Maybe not guard material.]

Don't worry, my wife doesn't like me speaking to strange women anyway. [ Of course, his wife isn't here, but no need to dwell on that. ]

Does the Commander at least treat you well?

Well, I mean, we don't really hang. You know how it is, busy guarding the Empress and all. Doesn't really make room for social calls.

[Which is... a bit disappointing, really?]

[ Nash agrees. ]

You'd think she'd make time for a king. Even a royal in exile is someone important.

You know, I would say the same thing. But there's this whole rule about not being able to tell anyone about that. It's one thing to be an exiled king, but then keeping it a secret? Now that's the worst.

I can't imagine. [ Is he being sarcastic? Who can say. ]

I've been rude, though. I didn't mean to talk so much without introducing myself. I'm Nash, not anyone weird.

I'm Kind Richard, as I said. It's an ironic moniker that people gave me. [He half chuckles like "oh those silly people!"] So you thinking of enlisting, then?

I'm not really a fighting type. [ He attempts to gesture to himself, you know, old, decrepit, &c &c, but accidentally knocks the thing over because he can't actually work it either. Good show.

After a thud and a minute or so of darkness, he reappears, to say: ]

As I was saying— just a concerned citizen.

[Oh. Well. At least he's not the only one that's incompetent. Comforting!]

Well if you want to help as a concerned citizen, you should report any suspicious characters you come across. And please, whoever is doing it, stop drawing on the wanted posters. They're very expensive to make!

[ Mental note: check out those wanted posters. ]

Hmmm. What would you say are the signs of a "suspicious character"?

Oh, you know, really suspicious things. Like going to a merchant and asking for change, but being really pushy about it. Or loitering at places with signs that explicitly say no loitering. Jaywalking, too. If you see anyone doing those sort of things, they're probably up to something worse in secret.

Yeah, if they're breaking the law that brazenly, they might have bribed the Royal Guard to look the other way.

Ha ha. But small crimes to bigger crimes, my friend. That's copper intuition for you.

I don't think roads are very useful when they only go one way. [ But, you know, moving on. ]

Anyway, if I were to report suspicious loitering, what would the Guard do about it?

[This is going way deeper into things than he's really equipped to deal with... so he has no choice but to make it up as he goes.]

Yell at them, I'd say. Give them a proper talking to. "None of that!" they'd say in their most guardly of voices. That's how you deal with loitering.

One of those "tongue is mightier than the blade" types, huh? [ Kind Richard indeed. ]

Well there's absolutely nothing wrong with being sensitive. Even the foulest criminal can fall prey to a sharp criticism. [How Richard went from a tyrant to drifter in an eight episode course.]

My missus does plenty of damage with her dull criticisms, too. [ A pause. ] She says I'm a talker, not a fighter.

God, don't even talk to me about the missuss. She knew exactly how to get me write where I was most vulnerable and drive me to tears. Not a healthy relationship, let me tell you.

[ Ah, a kindred spirit! ]

Some would say a wife needs to have access to your vulnerable parts.

If only. [Err.] I mean, if only she didn't. Hadn't. I mean, it's over now.

[Whew. Nice recovery.]

[ Very smooth, Richard, but he'll roll with it. ]

Is she one of the people who haven't woken up yet?

Yes. And thank the Natha for that. God willing, she never comes out.

I've always said that the keys to a successful marriage are a willing disposition and long absences.

The Natha have only provided me with one of those.

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