001: that time richard made a post on that network thing (video)

[tummyflowers]

[On the feed appears a man! No, not a man, a king. And his username is real_life_actual_king, since that's kind of important. Although often an informal unit, Richard is decked out in the standard issue armor and helmet of the Royal Guard. It's polished to perfection. He clears his throat.]

Hello all, it's me. I'm Kind Richard with the disclaimer that the name is intentionally ironic. I've just returned from the beach, which was just fantastic. I had a great time, all around. Never did get to see that fighting pit I kept hearing about, but a really good time altogether. And how about that train, am I right? Talk about posh.

Anyway, I wanted to give people a bit of a heads up. I'm with the Royal Guard and by now, kind of a venerated veteran of sorts, I wanted to let people know that we are still recruiting. Mind you, I'm not doing the recruiting! This is more of an information awareness announcement, since you'll have to speak directly to the Commander. A tad inefficient on her part, I'll grant you, but delegation is not her strongest suit. But you tell them that your old pal Rick sent you and you'll be well on your way to making this city a better, safer place to live. Also, you'll get paid for it, so that's a nice little bonus as well. Once you're in, you can have a talk with me. I run the armory, so I'll get you hooked up with the same kind of trendy fashion you see on display right now.

Now, unrelated to this whole business of being a guard, I wanted to open the floor to people who may have had experiences like I have had. If you've recently loss your kingdom and seat of power and been reduced to living the life of a meaningless and inconsequential peasant, then you're talking to someone who's been there. It's not easy, believe me. I've gone through a number of musical numbers just trying to cope with it. But if you need someone to talk to, then I'm there for you. You don't have to suffer alone anymore.

I think that's about it. Now, how the hell do I stop this from recording? Is this it?

Ah, good. That was easier than I thought. I think I did pretty well with the whole psycho-therapeutic mentoring thing there at the end, eh Tad Cooper? Really inspired some hope in those poor hopeless sods. Hm? The light's still on? Oh hell.

Maybe if I just... and then... okay, I'll just-!

[And like that, the message ends. Finally.]

Comments

[vorrutyer]

Well, back there, I was in line for the throne. But here, all the people ahead of me in line are no more. Or at least are in cryo-stasis.

[tummyflowers]

Oh, well, bully on you for that. But you don't actually have your empire. As such.

[Because hey, Richard was still king and glad to let people know that. But he was the first to admit he had nothing to rule.]

[vorrutyer]

[ With a shrug - ]

What difference does that make? A title is a title.

[tummyflowers]

Well when you put it like that... You know, my ancestors have married into a lot of royal families. I've probably inherited half the continent and not even realized it.

[Which is... amazing? Not that he can do anything being the de facto ruler of most of Europe, but it's something to think about.]

[vorrutyer]

Just so, dear fellow. Now take those imaginary armies and conquer the rest of your imaginary world. You're now the sole undisputed ruler of your whole planet.

[tummyflowers]

Wow... ruler of the whole world... [He actually takes a moment, imagining that. A sort of One King that would Unite Them All. It sounds even almost heroic. But reality catches up quick.] Seems a bit lonely, though. I mean, here I am, ruler of an entire world, and I'm doing it all alone. Sort of ruins it, don't you think?

[vorrutyer]

Oh, that's easily solved.

[ He waves a hand dismissively. ]

Go out and find some new subjects. Name yourself some Counts. Make a new court.

[tummyflowers]

Is that really a good idea? I mean, I'd want to keep my power sort of consolidated. I get enough subjects out there and they might decide to form a faction to depose me and replace me with someone more to their liking. And while that doesn't really actually cause any harm in the long run, seeing as my world doesn't exist anymore, I feel like it would really cause a lot of hurt feelings.

[vorrutyer]

Are you so afraid of revolution? They say the best cure for unrest is a just rule.

[tummyflowers]

Well, the last revolution I put up with had a very obnoxious musical and they were very condescending about the whole thing.

[vorrutyer]

[ Uh. ]

Sorry. A very obnoxious musical?

[tummyflowers]

Yes. The whole village got in on it. It was really embarrassing.

[vorrutyer]

What an...unconventional sort of rebellion.

[tummyflowers]

Well, to be fair, the rebelling all happened while I was overseas. I didn't even know about it until I got back!

[It's like... can a king not take a vacation? Ever?]

[vorrutyer]

Well, naturally. They probably needed a bit of time to work out the choreography.

[tummyflowers]

I... guess? [Richard is dubious because... why would they need that? It's just a song, not a battle reenactment.] Either way, I don't want to have to go through all that again. So I'm not going to start naming counts over countries that don't even exist anymore.

[vorrutyer]

Well, then it seems I'll quickly outstrip you in power. I already have one. My empire is twice the size of your kingdom already.

[tummyflowers]

Well, I wasn't really trying to compete. I was going more for coping, really. [He's invaded a kingdom, lost a kingdom. Kind of done it all at this point.]

[vorrutyer]

[ With a mournful little sigh - ]

Dear fellow, you're spoiling my fun.

[tummyflowers]

Fun? I'm trying to help people like us cope! Well, people like me anyway.

[Byerly is apparently content to carve out imaginary kingdoms.]

[vorrutyer]

Yes, but - Come, good fellow, let's go to war! That'll help us feel like ourselves again. Eh?

[tummyflowers]

Well, it would be familiar. But do you mean as allies or against each other?

[Because he'll have to finish conquering his nonexistent world if that's the case...]

[vorrutyer]

Well, I was thinking enemies. Unless you know of a greater power we have to fight?

[tummyflowers]

Well, there are other royals out there. It might not be such a bad idea to eliminate the competition a bit first, eh? Thin the herd, so to speak.

[And then plot to betray one another at some point, as kings do.]

[vorrutyer]

See, that's the spirit! What do you think of the lovely Anora?