001: that time richard made a post on that network thing (video)

[tummyflowers]

[On the feed appears a man! No, not a man, a king. And his username is real_life_actual_king, since that's kind of important. Although often an informal unit, Richard is decked out in the standard issue armor and helmet of the Royal Guard. It's polished to perfection. He clears his throat.]

Hello all, it's me. I'm Kind Richard with the disclaimer that the name is intentionally ironic. I've just returned from the beach, which was just fantastic. I had a great time, all around. Never did get to see that fighting pit I kept hearing about, but a really good time altogether. And how about that train, am I right? Talk about posh.

Anyway, I wanted to give people a bit of a heads up. I'm with the Royal Guard and by now, kind of a venerated veteran of sorts, I wanted to let people know that we are still recruiting. Mind you, I'm not doing the recruiting! This is more of an information awareness announcement, since you'll have to speak directly to the Commander. A tad inefficient on her part, I'll grant you, but delegation is not her strongest suit. But you tell them that your old pal Rick sent you and you'll be well on your way to making this city a better, safer place to live. Also, you'll get paid for it, so that's a nice little bonus as well. Once you're in, you can have a talk with me. I run the armory, so I'll get you hooked up with the same kind of trendy fashion you see on display right now.

Now, unrelated to this whole business of being a guard, I wanted to open the floor to people who may have had experiences like I have had. If you've recently loss your kingdom and seat of power and been reduced to living the life of a meaningless and inconsequential peasant, then you're talking to someone who's been there. It's not easy, believe me. I've gone through a number of musical numbers just trying to cope with it. But if you need someone to talk to, then I'm there for you. You don't have to suffer alone anymore.

I think that's about it. Now, how the hell do I stop this from recording? Is this it?

Ah, good. That was easier than I thought. I think I did pretty well with the whole psycho-therapeutic mentoring thing there at the end, eh Tad Cooper? Really inspired some hope in those poor hopeless sods. Hm? The light's still on? Oh hell.

Maybe if I just... and then... okay, I'll just-!

[And like that, the message ends. Finally.]

Comments

video, un: lordexplosionmurder

[hothead]

Shut up.

[ THIS MESSAGE IS WAY TOO LONg and he stopped listening somewhere around 'posh'. Still hung in there to chime with this after it was over, though. ]

[tummyflowers]

No, you shut up!

[There was really no other way for this to go.]

[hothead]

[ exCUSE YOU ]

No one gives a shit about your kingdom. [ Sort of listening, then. Though now he's narrowing his eyes at the screen— ] You're the best the guard's got? Is this a joke?

[tummyflowers]

I wasn't even talking about my kingdom! Did you not even hear any of that?

[hothead]

No one gives a shit that you lost your kingdom. [ HE KNOWS HOW TO LISTEN!! ] Get over it.

[tummyflowers]

Wow, you're a terrible listener. My being over it was the entire point. [He shakes his head and tsks.] You know, that's a terrible quality in a person. It just paints you as rude and inconsiderate, you know. You'll never make friends that way.

[hothead]

[ All true, but this guy saying it still makes it annoying. ]

Good thing I'm not here to make friends. So what are you, a guard or a therapist?

[tummyflowers]

Guard. And don't think I haven't noted that lord explosion murder name, young man. If I hear any explosions, I'll know who to look for.

[That's right. Lord Murder Explosion Man is on the list now.]

[hothead]

[ he's gonna blow that list up ]

That's my hero name, moron. I was thinking about joining the guard, but if it's just a bunch of old assholes like you, I'll pass.

[tummyflowers]

[Too late. He's been spreadsheet'd.]

Hero name? Hardly. That's as villainous as they come and mark me, we don't want anyone like you in the Guard! We're a respectable institution!

[hothead]

[ HOW DARE x2 ]

I'll fucking kick your ass.

[ he says, absolutely proving that he is not villainous. ]

I'm respectable too, asshole!

[tummyflowers]

"Threatening a member of the Royal Guard with an ass kicking." There. So noted.

[He's clearly going to need a whole page for this guy.]

By the by, what's your name again?

[hothead]

[ ..... is this going to mess up his chances of finding a job, though. ]

Lord Explosion Murder.

[ slick. ]

I'll join the Guard and kick your ass. How do I sign up!? [ Things he would know if he'd listened to the PSA. ]

[tummyflowers]

You know, I really shouldn't tell you this given your attitude, but fine. Let it not be said I let petty grudges get in the way of helping the city.

You're going to want to contact Koralle. She'll get you hooked right up!

i can't believe this

[hothead]

Thanks.

[ Said very rudely and ungratefully. ]

You should get used to the attitude. I'll be the one giving you orders in a week.

you're welcome for this gift

[tummyflowers]

I shall await your recruitment with dread, Lord Murderbomb.