video; un: eproghuefgdzptrrw

[vorrutyer]

[ Byerly Vorrutyer is sitting in front of a piano, fingers on the keys. Byerly Vorrutyer is also, apparently, drunk. There's a bottle of brandy in front of him balanced beside the music rack that's two-thirds drained, and there's a tiny sway in his posture, and he looks sloppy - suit coat opened, shirt-collar loosened. When he speaks, his voice slurs. But as he talks, he plays Chopin beautifully, expressively. He only misses the very occasional note. ]

God help me, but this place is dull. And I know from dull. I spent an entire season - an entire season! - on the Vorinnis estate on the South Continent. If Lady Vorinnis hadn't been there to distract me with all her deliciousness, I'd have actually, literally, died of boredom. I nearly set fire to the whole taiga. Roasted all the little birdies and rabbits and peasants. Pheasants. Peasants. Whichever.

[ He sighs mournfully, casting a sorrowful glance at the camera. ]

Say, fellows, how does a man have fun around here? It's clear no one knows how to play whist, so that's out, and dueling for laughs seems tacky. I've already watched a few of you brutes bash one another's faces in, which had its charms and no doubt, but the time for that is over. I can't play bed, wed, behead with you, because you're all proles of no account and no education who wouldn't know the high-society names I mention to you. Oh!

[ He sits up a bit, stopping his playing mid-note, right before the end of the first section of the piece. What a musical anticlimax. ]

I've got one. I'll write limericks about you. Tell me a bit about yourself, and I'll write limericks. Go on, do. They'll be funny, I promise - this is one of my favorite games. Absolutely kills at parties.

[ And then, with a small bow - ]

Byerly Vorrutyer, Emperor of Barrayar, at your lyrical service.

Comments

[priorly]

Precise forms of politeness. One more reason there are no royal courts where I'm from.

[But Prior is listening. In the end he always does and - knowing less of Byerly than the other man does of him - hearing something of the world he walked in isn't anything to be brushed off.]

And you're talking about more than knowing when to curtsey and which spoon to use for the soup?

[vorrutyer]

[ With a little twitch of his mouth: ]

I am, as a matter of fact. I'm talking about knowing how to please a despot.

[priorly]

Should we be aiming to please despots? I don't mean to seem obtuse but in the history of my time they're generally thought of as better overthrown or... I don't know - someone from whom it's best to keep out of the way.

[vorrutyer]

Well, but you want to go to court, no? A court is nothing without its despot. They're the ones around whom the whole thing revolves.

[ With a little wave of his hand - ]

A despot isn't evil by definition.

[priorly]

[There's a soft sigh from Prior, as he presses a hand across his heart.]

If only the world hadn't ended before Queen Diana took the throne, I think your world view could be quite different.

[But.]

I'm interested in seeing the court, at least. Your natural habitat? And I can be polite, I wasn't raised in a barn, after all.

[vorrutyer]

No, not my natural habitat.

[ He gives an easy, cheery shrug. ]

A disgraced fellow like me was never permitted into the court. But it was what I was educated for.

[priorly]

Then what made gossip from the place the mainstay of your days? You know [He winces, faintly apologetic.] I'd say I don't want to pry but it wouldn't be true, I just won't, if you'd rather. It's so much of what you talk about, but never seems to be anything you really like.

[vorrutyer]

[ Byerly looks genuinely puzzled. Careful, Prior. This is an open channel, after all. ]

Dear fellow, I'm an open book. You know that. Pry away. [ Then, with a little bit of a sigh - ] And you're quite wrong. I fear that gossip and all that - it's my foremost vice. At the end of the day, I probably spent a bit too much time on it.

[priorly]

[Not being too familiar with phones not attached to the wall by a wire, the privacy function's something Prior's paid fleeting attention to. Though he's not too lax with his topics, there are things he just won't ask unless they're alone.

On thing he does keep noticing, is just what Byerly puts in plain sight.]

Well I don't know many gossips quite so honest about what they do.

[vorrutyer]

Self-awareness is a virtue, they say.

[priorly]

And a reason for people to keep things to themselves. All right. [Which, loosely translated means later.] Teach this cockney flower girl your highfalutin courtly manners, even if I'm too deliciously low to deserve them.

[vorrutyer]

[ With a bit of laughter in his voice - ]

You wouldn't be if you'd just let me name you Count Vorwalter.

[priorly]

[There's still a little Audrey Hepburn in his voice.]

I'm afraid one of your countrymen will wake up and find me frightfully common if you do. What does the 'Vor' mean? There's a thing I've been meaning to ask.

[vorrutyer]

[ His smile turns wry. ]

The etymology is unclear, though some speculate it comes from the Russian word for thief. Given that the earliest Vor were the Emperor's tax collectors, it would make sense. - That's where Count comes from, too. The English word accountant. [ He purrs theatrically: ] Isn't being nobility just so erotic?

[priorly]

You're selling it to me so wonderfully well. That is not where Count comes from.

[He's laughing, and then a beat of silence.]

I have no idea where Count comes from. Is it really? Accountant Dracula? I vant to offset your liabilities? I've got to say, Accountant Thief might be the most accurate honorific I ever heard. And where does Prince come from - a photocopy chain?

[vorrutyer]

It was an independent innovation, our Count. Not based off the English title of nobility at all. Sounds absurd, but I had it explained to me once and it made sense - something about how it was originally come up with by our Russian-speaking majority, and then it was translated into English so it'd sound more like the English title, or maybe they were just drunk and talking out their ass, who knows.

[ A little shrug. ]

Prince and Emperor are from the original Earth terms, at least.

[priorly]

I am a sick man with limited mental facilities. [And if anyone tried this line the other way round there would be hell to pay.] Thank you for not taking the chance to convince me your rulers are named after the penguins.

So Vor is like Lord, regardless of the etymology?

[vorrutyer]

Limited mental facilities. [ Thoughtfully: ] You know, I used to respond to horseshit by saying, "And I'm the Emperor of Barrayar," but now I am the Emperor of Barrayar, so it doesn't do much good. So instead, I'll just -

[ He blows a loud raspberry instead. Then, with perfect dignity: ]

But yes. Vor is a member of the overclass. Prole is the underclass. Poor poppets.

[priorly]

[Sometimes the best medicine is a space russian of ill repute. Who could have known. Prior's shoulders shake but he manages to curl the smile to just one corner of his mouth.]

I'd tell you how powerfully attractive that was if you didn't already know.

[He tilts his head, assessing.]

And I am perfectly happy being a prole. But if it's really something you want, I'll let you Vor me. Vor me senseless. Vor me to tears.

[vorrutyer]

Oh, really? You consent to being Vored? We can meet up tonight, perhaps. I'll Vor you most sensually.

[priorly]

Why I can't imagine you doing it any other way. And as an alternative to bored, I'll take vored any day.

[Besides, it's meaningless, right.]

The piano's not at your place, is it?

[vorrutyer]

No. I am not currently at home.

[priorly]

A shame, I could have practiced my Heart and Soul.

[vorrutyer]

Ah, you have more than your fair share even without rehearsing.

[ A beat - ]

I'm thinking of getting a violin, though. For our place. That's my preferred instrument. I'm rather mediocre at the piano.

[priorly]

Well shit, if that's mediocre you'll make the rest of us look tone deaf and cloven hooved.

[Insert a brief mime of how a donkey might play piano.]

Or is understatement part of these manners I should know about? Speaking of - our place. [And a gesture to the screen. You have to ask your housemates first, I'm not about to be a homewrecker.