video; un: eproghuefgdzptrrw

[vorrutyer]

[ Byerly Vorrutyer is sitting in front of a piano, fingers on the keys. Byerly Vorrutyer is also, apparently, drunk. There's a bottle of brandy in front of him balanced beside the music rack that's two-thirds drained, and there's a tiny sway in his posture, and he looks sloppy - suit coat opened, shirt-collar loosened. When he speaks, his voice slurs. But as he talks, he plays Chopin beautifully, expressively. He only misses the very occasional note. ]

God help me, but this place is dull. And I know from dull. I spent an entire season - an entire season! - on the Vorinnis estate on the South Continent. If Lady Vorinnis hadn't been there to distract me with all her deliciousness, I'd have actually, literally, died of boredom. I nearly set fire to the whole taiga. Roasted all the little birdies and rabbits and peasants. Pheasants. Peasants. Whichever.

[ He sighs mournfully, casting a sorrowful glance at the camera. ]

Say, fellows, how does a man have fun around here? It's clear no one knows how to play whist, so that's out, and dueling for laughs seems tacky. I've already watched a few of you brutes bash one another's faces in, which had its charms and no doubt, but the time for that is over. I can't play bed, wed, behead with you, because you're all proles of no account and no education who wouldn't know the high-society names I mention to you. Oh!

[ He sits up a bit, stopping his playing mid-note, right before the end of the first section of the piece. What a musical anticlimax. ]

I've got one. I'll write limericks about you. Tell me a bit about yourself, and I'll write limericks. Go on, do. They'll be funny, I promise - this is one of my favorite games. Absolutely kills at parties.

[ And then, with a small bow - ]

Byerly Vorrutyer, Emperor of Barrayar, at your lyrical service.

Comments

[priorly]

[Not being too familiar with phones not attached to the wall by a wire, the privacy function's something Prior's paid fleeting attention to. Though he's not too lax with his topics, there are things he just won't ask unless they're alone.

On thing he does keep noticing, is just what Byerly puts in plain sight.]

Well I don't know many gossips quite so honest about what they do.

[vorrutyer]

Self-awareness is a virtue, they say.

[priorly]

And a reason for people to keep things to themselves. All right. [Which, loosely translated means later.] Teach this cockney flower girl your highfalutin courtly manners, even if I'm too deliciously low to deserve them.

[vorrutyer]

[ With a bit of laughter in his voice - ]

You wouldn't be if you'd just let me name you Count Vorwalter.

[priorly]

[There's still a little Audrey Hepburn in his voice.]

I'm afraid one of your countrymen will wake up and find me frightfully common if you do. What does the 'Vor' mean? There's a thing I've been meaning to ask.

[vorrutyer]

[ His smile turns wry. ]

The etymology is unclear, though some speculate it comes from the Russian word for thief. Given that the earliest Vor were the Emperor's tax collectors, it would make sense. - That's where Count comes from, too. The English word accountant. [ He purrs theatrically: ] Isn't being nobility just so erotic?

[priorly]

You're selling it to me so wonderfully well. That is not where Count comes from.

[He's laughing, and then a beat of silence.]

I have no idea where Count comes from. Is it really? Accountant Dracula? I vant to offset your liabilities? I've got to say, Accountant Thief might be the most accurate honorific I ever heard. And where does Prince come from - a photocopy chain?

[vorrutyer]

It was an independent innovation, our Count. Not based off the English title of nobility at all. Sounds absurd, but I had it explained to me once and it made sense - something about how it was originally come up with by our Russian-speaking majority, and then it was translated into English so it'd sound more like the English title, or maybe they were just drunk and talking out their ass, who knows.

[ A little shrug. ]

Prince and Emperor are from the original Earth terms, at least.

[priorly]

I am a sick man with limited mental facilities. [And if anyone tried this line the other way round there would be hell to pay.] Thank you for not taking the chance to convince me your rulers are named after the penguins.

So Vor is like Lord, regardless of the etymology?

[vorrutyer]

Limited mental facilities. [ Thoughtfully: ] You know, I used to respond to horseshit by saying, "And I'm the Emperor of Barrayar," but now I am the Emperor of Barrayar, so it doesn't do much good. So instead, I'll just -

[ He blows a loud raspberry instead. Then, with perfect dignity: ]

But yes. Vor is a member of the overclass. Prole is the underclass. Poor poppets.

[priorly]

[Sometimes the best medicine is a space russian of ill repute. Who could have known. Prior's shoulders shake but he manages to curl the smile to just one corner of his mouth.]

I'd tell you how powerfully attractive that was if you didn't already know.

[He tilts his head, assessing.]

And I am perfectly happy being a prole. But if it's really something you want, I'll let you Vor me. Vor me senseless. Vor me to tears.

[vorrutyer]

Oh, really? You consent to being Vored? We can meet up tonight, perhaps. I'll Vor you most sensually.

[priorly]

Why I can't imagine you doing it any other way. And as an alternative to bored, I'll take vored any day.

[Besides, it's meaningless, right.]

The piano's not at your place, is it?

[vorrutyer]

No. I am not currently at home.

[priorly]

A shame, I could have practiced my Heart and Soul.

[vorrutyer]

Ah, you have more than your fair share even without rehearsing.

[ A beat - ]

I'm thinking of getting a violin, though. For our place. That's my preferred instrument. I'm rather mediocre at the piano.

[priorly]

Well shit, if that's mediocre you'll make the rest of us look tone deaf and cloven hooved.

[Insert a brief mime of how a donkey might play piano.]

Or is understatement part of these manners I should know about? Speaking of - our place. [And a gesture to the screen. You have to ask your housemates first, I'm not about to be a homewrecker.

[vorrutyer]

[ A little wave of his fingers dismisses the praise. ]

But Prior, dear fellow, you'd make for such a lovely surprise.

[priorly]

A kitten makes for a lovely surprise, Byerly. And even then someone might be allergic.

[vorrutyer]

Why - would someone be allergic to you?

[priorly]

There may be those who’d find I bring them out in hives. It’s hard to know, as I’m instinctively avoidant of people with terrible taste.

[vorrutyer]

And I, likewise, wouldn't want to know anyone who would have such a reaction to you. You can be my litmus test. Are these ladies worthwhile? Well. Do they treat the good Prior with decency?

[priorly]

You're entirely impossible. [No I hope you know because of course he does.]

Fine, we can arrange for a trial visit. Just as soon as I find a pink bow to tie round my neck and one of those little bells.

[vorrutyer]

Ooh, can I get you a pair of little ears? Draw on some whiskers?

[priorly]

Oh, I like to save all that until things need spicing up.