video; un: eproghuefgdzptrrw

[vorrutyer]

[ Byerly Vorrutyer is sitting in front of a piano, fingers on the keys. Byerly Vorrutyer is also, apparently, drunk. There's a bottle of brandy in front of him balanced beside the music rack that's two-thirds drained, and there's a tiny sway in his posture, and he looks sloppy - suit coat opened, shirt-collar loosened. When he speaks, his voice slurs. But as he talks, he plays Chopin beautifully, expressively. He only misses the very occasional note. ]

God help me, but this place is dull. And I know from dull. I spent an entire season - an entire season! - on the Vorinnis estate on the South Continent. If Lady Vorinnis hadn't been there to distract me with all her deliciousness, I'd have actually, literally, died of boredom. I nearly set fire to the whole taiga. Roasted all the little birdies and rabbits and peasants. Pheasants. Peasants. Whichever.

[ He sighs mournfully, casting a sorrowful glance at the camera. ]

Say, fellows, how does a man have fun around here? It's clear no one knows how to play whist, so that's out, and dueling for laughs seems tacky. I've already watched a few of you brutes bash one another's faces in, which had its charms and no doubt, but the time for that is over. I can't play bed, wed, behead with you, because you're all proles of no account and no education who wouldn't know the high-society names I mention to you. Oh!

[ He sits up a bit, stopping his playing mid-note, right before the end of the first section of the piece. What a musical anticlimax. ]

I've got one. I'll write limericks about you. Tell me a bit about yourself, and I'll write limericks. Go on, do. They'll be funny, I promise - this is one of my favorite games. Absolutely kills at parties.

[ And then, with a small bow - ]

Byerly Vorrutyer, Emperor of Barrayar, at your lyrical service.

Comments

[priorly]

[Sometimes the best medicine is a space russian of ill repute. Who could have known. Prior's shoulders shake but he manages to curl the smile to just one corner of his mouth.]

I'd tell you how powerfully attractive that was if you didn't already know.

[He tilts his head, assessing.]

And I am perfectly happy being a prole. But if it's really something you want, I'll let you Vor me. Vor me senseless. Vor me to tears.

[vorrutyer]

Oh, really? You consent to being Vored? We can meet up tonight, perhaps. I'll Vor you most sensually.

[priorly]

Why I can't imagine you doing it any other way. And as an alternative to bored, I'll take vored any day.

[Besides, it's meaningless, right.]

The piano's not at your place, is it?

[vorrutyer]

No. I am not currently at home.

[priorly]

A shame, I could have practiced my Heart and Soul.

[vorrutyer]

Ah, you have more than your fair share even without rehearsing.

[ A beat - ]

I'm thinking of getting a violin, though. For our place. That's my preferred instrument. I'm rather mediocre at the piano.

[priorly]

Well shit, if that's mediocre you'll make the rest of us look tone deaf and cloven hooved.

[Insert a brief mime of how a donkey might play piano.]

Or is understatement part of these manners I should know about? Speaking of - our place. [And a gesture to the screen. You have to ask your housemates first, I'm not about to be a homewrecker.

[vorrutyer]

[ A little wave of his fingers dismisses the praise. ]

But Prior, dear fellow, you'd make for such a lovely surprise.

[priorly]

A kitten makes for a lovely surprise, Byerly. And even then someone might be allergic.

[vorrutyer]

Why - would someone be allergic to you?

[priorly]

There may be those who’d find I bring them out in hives. It’s hard to know, as I’m instinctively avoidant of people with terrible taste.

[vorrutyer]

And I, likewise, wouldn't want to know anyone who would have such a reaction to you. You can be my litmus test. Are these ladies worthwhile? Well. Do they treat the good Prior with decency?

[priorly]

You're entirely impossible. [No I hope you know because of course he does.]

Fine, we can arrange for a trial visit. Just as soon as I find a pink bow to tie round my neck and one of those little bells.

[vorrutyer]

Ooh, can I get you a pair of little ears? Draw on some whiskers?

[priorly]

Oh, I like to save all that until things need spicing up.

[vorrutyer]

Hah. At least let me file your nails into claws. It's both aesthetic and practical.

[priorly]

That does depend what I'm practicing.

[Hands lifted, he shows his fingertips to the camera.]

Bitten to hell, I'm afraid to say. It's the only way I ever show my nerves.

[Straight face. He turns his hands to examine the damage himself.]

And Earth's last remaining nail polish is in a sorry state, too. Though, when I find a set I can purchase I'll let you know.

[vorrutyer]

Ah. Alas.

[ Yes, certainly. The only way Prior shows his nerves. Pull the other one. ]

Then perhaps we ought to search the armories here. Get you little jeweled finger-daggers. Do you know the sort?

[priorly]

[Jewelled daggers.]

I can't say they were part of the couture back home. I don't actually want to maim people, you understand.

[vorrutyer]

Whyever not? A bit of danger makes people take you seriously.

[priorly]

[Just the idea of him as a danger. His temper, maybe. Barbed words are the chief weapon in his armory, and even those saved for the ones who truly deserve them.]

I couldn't even throw a decent punch before all this. It's the wrists, they're tragically stereotypical.

[vorrutyer]

Ah? Have you ever actually attempted to throw a punch?

[priorly]

I'm a gay man, Byerly, and I do not pass as anything else. [So-] I said they're barely decent, not that I didn't know how.

[vorrutyer]

[ Ah. Well. He hesitates only a moment before shrugging. ]

I know rather little of your world, dear Prior, you know that. I haven't the faintest idea of what sorts of people end up punching and what sorts of people do not. In any case, there are far more effective ways to fight, you know.

[priorly]

[It was a bare moment's sobriety. Always easiest when cloaked in a smile.]

Go for the earrings first, then the wig?