video; un: eproghuefgdzptrrw

[vorrutyer]

[ Byerly Vorrutyer is sitting in front of a piano, fingers on the keys. Byerly Vorrutyer is also, apparently, drunk. There's a bottle of brandy in front of him balanced beside the music rack that's two-thirds drained, and there's a tiny sway in his posture, and he looks sloppy - suit coat opened, shirt-collar loosened. When he speaks, his voice slurs. But as he talks, he plays Chopin beautifully, expressively. He only misses the very occasional note. ]

God help me, but this place is dull. And I know from dull. I spent an entire season - an entire season! - on the Vorinnis estate on the South Continent. If Lady Vorinnis hadn't been there to distract me with all her deliciousness, I'd have actually, literally, died of boredom. I nearly set fire to the whole taiga. Roasted all the little birdies and rabbits and peasants. Pheasants. Peasants. Whichever.

[ He sighs mournfully, casting a sorrowful glance at the camera. ]

Say, fellows, how does a man have fun around here? It's clear no one knows how to play whist, so that's out, and dueling for laughs seems tacky. I've already watched a few of you brutes bash one another's faces in, which had its charms and no doubt, but the time for that is over. I can't play bed, wed, behead with you, because you're all proles of no account and no education who wouldn't know the high-society names I mention to you. Oh!

[ He sits up a bit, stopping his playing mid-note, right before the end of the first section of the piece. What a musical anticlimax. ]

I've got one. I'll write limericks about you. Tell me a bit about yourself, and I'll write limericks. Go on, do. They'll be funny, I promise - this is one of my favorite games. Absolutely kills at parties.

[ And then, with a small bow - ]

Byerly Vorrutyer, Emperor of Barrayar, at your lyrical service.

Comments

[vorrutyer]

Self-awareness is a virtue, they say.

[priorly]

And a reason for people to keep things to themselves. All right. [Which, loosely translated means later.] Teach this cockney flower girl your highfalutin courtly manners, even if I'm too deliciously low to deserve them.

[vorrutyer]

[ With a bit of laughter in his voice - ]

You wouldn't be if you'd just let me name you Count Vorwalter.

[priorly]

[There's still a little Audrey Hepburn in his voice.]

I'm afraid one of your countrymen will wake up and find me frightfully common if you do. What does the 'Vor' mean? There's a thing I've been meaning to ask.

[vorrutyer]

[ His smile turns wry. ]

The etymology is unclear, though some speculate it comes from the Russian word for thief. Given that the earliest Vor were the Emperor's tax collectors, it would make sense. - That's where Count comes from, too. The English word accountant. [ He purrs theatrically: ] Isn't being nobility just so erotic?

[priorly]

You're selling it to me so wonderfully well. That is not where Count comes from.

[He's laughing, and then a beat of silence.]

I have no idea where Count comes from. Is it really? Accountant Dracula? I vant to offset your liabilities? I've got to say, Accountant Thief might be the most accurate honorific I ever heard. And where does Prince come from - a photocopy chain?

[vorrutyer]

It was an independent innovation, our Count. Not based off the English title of nobility at all. Sounds absurd, but I had it explained to me once and it made sense - something about how it was originally come up with by our Russian-speaking majority, and then it was translated into English so it'd sound more like the English title, or maybe they were just drunk and talking out their ass, who knows.

[ A little shrug. ]

Prince and Emperor are from the original Earth terms, at least.

[priorly]

I am a sick man with limited mental facilities. [And if anyone tried this line the other way round there would be hell to pay.] Thank you for not taking the chance to convince me your rulers are named after the penguins.

So Vor is like Lord, regardless of the etymology?

[vorrutyer]

Limited mental facilities. [ Thoughtfully: ] You know, I used to respond to horseshit by saying, "And I'm the Emperor of Barrayar," but now I am the Emperor of Barrayar, so it doesn't do much good. So instead, I'll just -

[ He blows a loud raspberry instead. Then, with perfect dignity: ]

But yes. Vor is a member of the overclass. Prole is the underclass. Poor poppets.

[priorly]

[Sometimes the best medicine is a space russian of ill repute. Who could have known. Prior's shoulders shake but he manages to curl the smile to just one corner of his mouth.]

I'd tell you how powerfully attractive that was if you didn't already know.

[He tilts his head, assessing.]

And I am perfectly happy being a prole. But if it's really something you want, I'll let you Vor me. Vor me senseless. Vor me to tears.

[vorrutyer]

Oh, really? You consent to being Vored? We can meet up tonight, perhaps. I'll Vor you most sensually.

[priorly]

Why I can't imagine you doing it any other way. And as an alternative to bored, I'll take vored any day.

[Besides, it's meaningless, right.]

The piano's not at your place, is it?

[vorrutyer]

No. I am not currently at home.

[priorly]

A shame, I could have practiced my Heart and Soul.

[vorrutyer]

Ah, you have more than your fair share even without rehearsing.

[ A beat - ]

I'm thinking of getting a violin, though. For our place. That's my preferred instrument. I'm rather mediocre at the piano.

[priorly]

Well shit, if that's mediocre you'll make the rest of us look tone deaf and cloven hooved.

[Insert a brief mime of how a donkey might play piano.]

Or is understatement part of these manners I should know about? Speaking of - our place. [And a gesture to the screen. You have to ask your housemates first, I'm not about to be a homewrecker.

[vorrutyer]

[ A little wave of his fingers dismisses the praise. ]

But Prior, dear fellow, you'd make for such a lovely surprise.

[priorly]

A kitten makes for a lovely surprise, Byerly. And even then someone might be allergic.

[vorrutyer]

Why - would someone be allergic to you?

[priorly]

There may be those who’d find I bring them out in hives. It’s hard to know, as I’m instinctively avoidant of people with terrible taste.

[vorrutyer]

And I, likewise, wouldn't want to know anyone who would have such a reaction to you. You can be my litmus test. Are these ladies worthwhile? Well. Do they treat the good Prior with decency?

[priorly]

You're entirely impossible. [No I hope you know because of course he does.]

Fine, we can arrange for a trial visit. Just as soon as I find a pink bow to tie round my neck and one of those little bells.

[vorrutyer]

Ooh, can I get you a pair of little ears? Draw on some whiskers?

[priorly]

Oh, I like to save all that until things need spicing up.

[vorrutyer]

Hah. At least let me file your nails into claws. It's both aesthetic and practical.