[voice-to-text] un: Linneus

[inaurare]

Hello everyone. I've a slightly irregular circumstance I hoped someone might help me with. I debated whether or not I should ask, but-- well, it's been a few days and if-- I suppose if it belongs to someone it's unfair I hold on to it just out of embarrassment.

It's this:

[and here, he attaches an odd image - a photograph of an eggplant, carved out of stone. An unusual subject as stone-carving goes, and certainly an odd thing to be so uncomfortable over that he doesn't seem to want to show his face over the network... but voice to text seems to be doing a great job of catching all of his hesitance over this.

Because the problem is that for Linneus - and only for Linneus - it looks like a giant stone penis.]

It is not the first thing I have had abandoned outside my house, but why this, I haven't much of an idea. There was no note, no explanation, so if anyone could suggest where it might have come from? Whom I might return it to...?

It is a... "distinctive" ornament, so I suppose it's also possible Lula might have taken it.

[which leads to the slightly horrifying thought of Lula proudly running around who-knows where, for who-knows-how-long, holding that]


((tl;dr, Linneus' ACP reward was an enchanted jewellery box shaped like a erection - a dildo of holding, if you will - but only he can see that it's basically a giant phallus. Everyone else sees an eggplant.

Help. Help him.))

Comments

Text | UN: MrFancyHat

[thetaintedsorrow]

The hell? Who carved an eggplant out of stone?

[inaurare]

[...let's call it an eggplant. Why not. It can be a euphemism.]

I'm not sure.

It's so... proud.

[thetaintedsorrow]

Proud...

Kinda resembles a dick tbh.

[inaurare]

You might say kind of.

[and you might imagine Linneus is frowning at it over the top of his device]

Why might one keep a stone statue of an-- eggplant?

[sort of slurring from one word into the other - "e-eggplant", but thank goodness for voice-to-text]

text | un: null

[cassus]

Clearly this is the work of a secret admirer.

And just so you know, I'm not accusing myself of the crime. My admiration isn't secret, after all.

[ Actually, the prospect of someone with ardent feelings towards Linneus, who chooses to express it through a sculpture with almost phallic leanings isn't one he's hoping for. It's been a while since he's threatened anyone, but should this turn out to be fact and not a fiction of Dazai's imagination, he may have to have a little chat with the offender. ]

Perhaps it's time you got a roommate, to ensure unwanted guests don't continue leaving their little gifts on your front steps.

[ Is this the smoothest offer to live together, or what? ]

[inaurare]

No?

[really? This seems like it would be the sort of thing you might do, Dazai...]

I can’t see how exactly that would stop the anonymous gifts - but would you believe the little gifts are actually an improvement?

[he would prefer phallic statues to being broken into again]

[cassus]

[ Listen.... First of all: How dare. ]

Cross my heart. ♡

My tastes run far better and more practical than whomever gave you that monstrocity.

[ If Dazai were to give Linneus anything even remotely scandalous, it would actually have a usefulness in the very same department. Exactly what is the point of a possession that feels oddly provocative, if it's owner can't put that risque appeal to- ah, proper use?

Not that he's ever contemplated how lacy pink lingerie might compliment a certain someone's tulip-hued hair. ...Probably. ]

Why, I'd guard your doorstep like a hawk and chase off tresspassers. That's how.

I mean... Your roommate would, of course.

[ This is turning into a dumb conversation that feels too much like some teenager asking someone on their first date. So he'll relent, no matter how protective he feels about Linneus living alone and under assault from strange gift-givers. ]

I'm bracing myself in anticipation to hear what could be worse than that statue.

[ Besides knowing Linneus was kidnapped and tortured at one point. Which is absolutely doing wonders for not helping his concern at all. ]

un: CherylBombshell

[sweetwater]

An eggplant? Is there a peach as well?

[inaurare]

Forgive me, I’m not sure I understand how the two are related.

[more importantly, why does everyone keep seeing an eggplant...?]

[sweetwater]

Maybe it's better I leave that one a mystery.

text; un: R

[winecasks]

A strange subject indeed, but it is artfully sculpted and I must admit, a refreshing change from stone dragons.

Its arrival on your doorstep could be the work of art thieves at large, perhaps. Distinctive as it is, it surely must be from a private collection.

[ ...He is actually implying that an eggplant is a well sculpted piece of art, yes. ]

[inaurare]

Not so unusual a subject, I think, but I am surprised you are able to find... artistic merit in it.

Where could it have been taken from, do you imagine? Stonework would suggest to me that it's a garden ornament but...

[well - look at it. Who is going to put that in their garden?!]

[winecasks]

The most fortunate of the artistic sorts find their inspiration in even the most unlikely of places. I admit that I envy them. I lack inspiration from even the most likely of places.

It certainly could be. In any case, it is inoffensive enough. If no one claims it, I would say you’ve found the appropriate place for it.

[ It's an eggplant. It belongs in a garden. ]

voice | username: No

[sullenstallion]

It looks great.

[There's something Dylas is missing here, but he comes from a farming village. Freshly grown vegetables of any kind have a certain familiar quality to them, and that extends to eggplants. What he sees is a reminder of farm culture, not whatever lewd things he's meant to or not meant to see.]

It reminds me of home. Whoever lost it is missing out.

[inaurare]

[great?

Reminds him of home?

...Linneus considers himself to have a decent poker face, but he's quite thankful not to be using the video function right now.]

I'm not-- entirely sure how one goes about losing something like this.

[sullenstallion]

[There's nothing wrong with aubergines. In Dylas' head, he's happily remembering when he would receive fresh produce as a gift! There's nothing impure going on. At all.]

Neither am I, but it's their loss and your gain. Finders, keepers, right?

UN: SKULL

[sakabroto]

...someone gave you an eggplant made of rock? ...that's--

[Wait. Is it like when you send an emoji eggplant? Because if so?]

omg that's amazing and really weird at the same time

[inaurare]

[he is not going to contradict anyone who says eggplant. Eggplant is better than the actual word for it.]

I'm not sure how it is amazing, exactly. Weird, yes. I'm happy to go with weird.

[sakabroto]

i mean you know what an eggplant emoji is for right?

i guess some memes can travel through spacetime

[circulets]

An eggplant? I have to wonder what the artist was thinking when they dropped it off at your place.

[inaurare]

[yes. YES. He's past rubbing his eyes and trying to figure out whether his sight is deceiving him. Clearly he is seeing one thing and everyone else is seeing another? Perhaps it's the camera playing tricks.

But yes. Fine. It's an eggplant. Why not. Heaven knows that might make the reality of a stone dildo showing up on his doorstep a little bit more bearable...]

I can't imagine what the thought process was at all.

[circulets]

Perhaps they thought it'd be best if you had it.

text; id: RK

[insist]

If it doesn't belong to anybody, keep it. I don't know what you're fussing about. [ He doesn't find anything strange about a stone eggplant just appearing outside someone else's house. ]

Have you noticed anything strange about it?

[inaurare]

[he's not sure about keeping it. But at the same time, it might belong to someone, and they might be back for it. In days, or weeks, or maybe even months...]

Anything strange? Aside from it being a large stone-- eggplant itself, do you mean?

[insist]

Yes. Any magical properties, for instance.