video; un: eproghuefgdzptrrw

[vorrutyer]

[ Byerly Vorrutyer is sitting in front of a piano, fingers on the keys. Byerly Vorrutyer is also, apparently, drunk. There's a bottle of brandy in front of him balanced beside the music rack that's two-thirds drained, and there's a tiny sway in his posture, and he looks sloppy - suit coat opened, shirt-collar loosened. When he speaks, his voice slurs. But as he talks, he plays Chopin beautifully, expressively. He only misses the very occasional note. ]

God help me, but this place is dull. And I know from dull. I spent an entire season - an entire season! - on the Vorinnis estate on the South Continent. If Lady Vorinnis hadn't been there to distract me with all her deliciousness, I'd have actually, literally, died of boredom. I nearly set fire to the whole taiga. Roasted all the little birdies and rabbits and peasants. Pheasants. Peasants. Whichever.

[ He sighs mournfully, casting a sorrowful glance at the camera. ]

Say, fellows, how does a man have fun around here? It's clear no one knows how to play whist, so that's out, and dueling for laughs seems tacky. I've already watched a few of you brutes bash one another's faces in, which had its charms and no doubt, but the time for that is over. I can't play bed, wed, behead with you, because you're all proles of no account and no education who wouldn't know the high-society names I mention to you. Oh!

[ He sits up a bit, stopping his playing mid-note, right before the end of the first section of the piece. What a musical anticlimax. ]

I've got one. I'll write limericks about you. Tell me a bit about yourself, and I'll write limericks. Go on, do. They'll be funny, I promise - this is one of my favorite games. Absolutely kills at parties.

[ And then, with a small bow - ]

Byerly Vorrutyer, Emperor of Barrayar, at your lyrical service.

Comments

[politrick]

Aren't men? [He shakes his head.] There's a difference between self-defense and murder.

[vorrutyer]

Dear fellow!

[ Byerly's eyes widen in mocking horror. ]

Did you just propose killing all humans?

[politrick]

[Okay, like that would be worse than what other people have said on this network—]

No. I'm merely suggesting that most men are hypocrites.

[vorrutyer]

Ooh, you have sharper teeth than I'd have expected, given that sweet little face of yours.

[politrick]

Well— thank you, and I'll pretend that isn't patronizing me while I'm at it.

[vorrutyer]

Oh, no need to do that, my dear fellow. Nothing good ever comes out of make-believe.

[politrick]

You don't say. I'll do better next time.

Well, do I still get a limerick, or is that spoiled?

[vorrutyer]

No, no, I'll give you one. Just give me a bit more information about you.

[politrick]

[Is it going to be rude, he wonders... excessively rude, anyway.]

My name's Merlin and I'm a sorcerer. [uhhh...] You can include that bit about the dragon ride, he's my friend.

[Is that it... That's it. Merlin: a summary.]

[vorrutyer]

Yes, yes, I guessed all that already. What else?

[politrick]

That's not enough? What sort of things do you need?

[vorrutyer]

Well, where are you from?

[politrick]

Camelot. Ealdor before that, but no one's ever heard of it. I'm King Arthur's best friend.

[vorrutyer]

Oh, Camelot. I've heard of that. And what do you do, aside from being best friend to a king?

[politrick]

Save his life all the time, clean his socks, put up with insults. You know, friendly things.

[vorrutyer]

So you're a servant?

[politrick]

Among other things. Professionally, yes. [A beat.] By other things I mean the parts with magic, you know. As mentioned.

[vorrutyer]

[ With a laugh - ]

Well! My mind didn't go to dirty places until you made sure to clarify.

[politrick]

There's just no winning for me today, is there. [Not a question-] Well that's it for me, really.

[vorrutyer]

No, no, you must tell me more. Or else all I'll be able to think about is your unrequited passion for your friend.

[politrick]

That's— no, it's not like that. "Other things" does not include mooning after a great shriveled turnip who can't find the front side of his pants most days.

[vorrutyer]

Ooh, someone sounds a bit defensive...

[politrick]

No. Not at all. Not even a little bit. I'm—clarifying.

[vorrutyer]

There once was a fellow of magic,
Who lived in a kingdom pelagic. - I assume, I'm not actually certain if Camelot's on the ocean, but that's always how I've imagined it.
He most certainly was not
With his good friend besot
As one cannot love a king - that's just tragic.

[politrick]

[He's walking into these left and right today, it seems—]

I suppose that would be very tragic, yes. If it were true. [...] Camelot isn't on the coast, I'm afraid.