Video; un: rtozier

[summertimeblues]

[The feed begins with a man in his late thirties, one hand welded to his forehead in consternation. Adjacent is a swanky looking turntable, and stacks of records can be seen on a table behind the sofa. The titles are indiscernible but it looks to be a ballpark of about fifty albums.

He stares into the camera, desolate.]

All right kids, I'll concede: my folks would have cracked my radio if they heard how much I let The Doors holler out of it. I know it's a pattern and every generation thinks the one after it is a tasteless pack of miscreants. And I've been keeping an open mind. I can't afford not to. Music was my job, and for the most part the stuff hitting the airwaves had been pretty solid. Whoever's been picking out tunes for me up above has been doing pretty damn swell so far, too. Soundgarden was great, Lauren Hill, the Alabama Shakes — there's a lot of good shit I've missed out on because my apocalypse hit so early.

[He takes a deep breath.]

But today, I need an explanation.

[He takes a record out of a sleeve. Sets it on the player and closes his eyes in bitter resignation as the thing gets rolling.

His jaw clenches tight as the music starts.

"Hiya Barbie!"
"Hi Ken!"
"Do you wanna go for a ride?"
"Sure Ken!"
"Jump in!"
"I'M A BARBIE GIRL! IN A BARBIE WO-O-ORLD! LIFE IN PLASTIC, IT'S FANTASTIC!!"

A comely but irate redheaded woman stomps into the background.]

If you don’t shut that off, there’s going to be cats clawing at our window to check out who’s dying!

[Richie rips the record off, vein pulsing in his forehead.]

Music is dying, Bev! It's over! We've lost the war!

[She scoffs, disappearing once more. Richie looks to the camera.

He snaps the record in two with a malicious crack and tosses the pieces behind him.]

I don't know who allowed this to happen, but you ought to be ashamed of yourselves.

[The video cuts out. Please deposit your apologies and condolences below.]

Comments

video; un: eproghuefgdzptrrw

[vorrutyer]

Hm.

[ Byerly scratches his chin, then declares - ]

Put it back on. I liked it.

[summertimeblues]

It must be the excess hair in your ears. Take a weed whacker to that bush and get back to me.

voice; un. flashgoddess

[catfident]

Didn't you say music was your job? Wouldn't that make you directly responsible?

[ not that she cares one way or the other. ]

[summertimeblues]

Don't be facetious, that's not how it works and you know it.

Voice. @nobody.

[desistor]

[ The deeply overwrought artistic suffering in this post... Mildly— ]

Do you take requests?

god boxy y r u so shady

[summertimeblues]

If they're good ones, yes.

[Don't make him regret this friendship]

Voice ; un: princessallura

[quintessent]

Is this what passes for music on earth?

[summertimeblues]

[Oh, cute, the princess from outer space. Hello pumpkin!]

No no no, this is definitely engineered for torture.

un: Joker // voice

[larsenist]

It was probably Cam Buckland.

[ he did it. or he would if he could. ]

+1

[pebblestone]

[ Fred has no idea what's going on but this music is honestly atrocious and right up Cam's alley. ]

text | un: r.

[persistor]

Sorry the future is a disappointment.

[summertimeblues]

Things were going so well Red, how could this have happened?

Voice ; un: CAMULUS

[dontgiveabuckland]

Wait, I wanted to hear the rest of it!

[summertimeblues]

[oh my GOD]

Tough luck, muffin. It's worm food now.

Video

[objectionattorney]

[.... 50's kid. Meets 90's kid.]

Oh man! That brings back memories! Aqua was the best back in the day. I remember falling on my butt in rollerskate rinks as a kid to this song!

[I am so sorry.]

You think this is horrible you should really put on some Eifel 65 or The Vengabus. Those were wonderfully catchy trainwrecks.

[summertimeblues]

[Forever happy he missed what was clearly the most cursed decade.]

Oh fuck, do I even want to know what those are?

( audio ) FROM: ✨👑KING JJ👑✨

[underwhelms]

[ there's no explanation, just: ]

You can brush my hair
Undress me everywhere♪

Why

[summertimeblues]

Stop.

voice; @star.lord

[nostalgiabomb]

Oh my god.

What the hell was that?

I was hoping he'd show up

[summertimeblues]

Just a cheery missive from hell.

Believe me, I'm just as angry as you are. The children of tomorrow have let me down.

video | un: colt.saa

[shashka]

...I've heard worse.

[ There's only so many times you can listen to Rasputin before you go insane. ]

[summertimeblues]

What could possibly be worse? Because all I can imagine is if someone slapped a cat on a wall on repeat to a bagpipe backing track.

audio; un: armstrong

[wallofbriggs]

I have no idea what a Soundgarden is, but that, whatever that was, has to go.

[Do not do that to the network again Richie.]

[summertimeblues]

If plastic didn't smell like the devil's ass hairs when you burn it, I'd host a bonfire. As it stands I'll be setting the remains out to sea.

Also Soundgarden is in a far better league than this rot.

video; un: R

[winecasks]

No, I agree. Music has died. It has been buried in a lacquered casket and lowered into the ground in silence. It is a sad thing. All at once, harp strings have broken and the violin strings have been cut.

[ Well now you've gotten him started. ]

But it died long before you played whatever it was you just played. It died along with the creation of Gaetano Donizetti’s Anna Bolena. Never have I been forced to listen to a worse opera. I would have dozed through it, were it melodic enough to allow. The song about plastic, monsieur, had a melody. Any song about Anne Boleyn and how she was to be beheaded did not.

[summertimeblues]

[........

this is incredible]

I'm pretty sure a beheading makes for more invigorating material than literal Barbies, but I haven't been down to the opera in years, much less seen one about good old Annie Boleyn.

I'd beg to differ though, it had a revival in the twentieth century before these "Aqua" punks shot it between the eyes. What — ah, what year are you from again?

voice : un: priorly

[priorly]

No, no, don't turn it off. I was engaged in the narrative.

[summertimeblues]

Would you like me to spoil the ending?

video; un: lady

[unprays]

That, [ she says with a tone that's as much disgusted as it is flabbergasted, ] was not music.

[ were those supposed to be instruments? was that horrifying screeching supposed to be singing?? no. just, no. ]

Re: video; un: lady

[summertimeblues]

Which is exactly my point. Where did the next generation go so wrong?

[Mind you, from his limited understanding of her life it might be a case of why did the idiots six centuries from now ruin everything?

He turns an earnest expression to the camera.]

I promise there's better stuff out there.

video: un: swan

[sheriffing]

In my time, Barbie's not really that popular anymore.

[ she does remember the song, and winces a little at the memory.]

Pretty sure that killed her.

[summertimeblues]

I have no particular opinions on Barbie myself, wasn't really in the market for her and her pals. But if this is what it came to? Forget it. [He makes the sign of the cross and looks towards the heavens above.] Rest in peace, you pink-plastered pariah.

voice | un: ashfalls

[doomedtheworld]

... I kind of liked it.

[She does not know music.]

[summertimeblues]

[.............................

who hurt you??????]

You're vastly outnumbered, junior. Hate to break it to you but the die's been cast.

It's not something of yours, is it?

text; un: J.SHEPPARD

[impavid]

While I understand we're taught to share as children, I really wish you hadn't.

[summertimeblues]

I needed answers, Sheppard. This isn't a crime I plan to let pass.

un: s.trevor

[dianano]

You're sure that was music?

[ Definitely sounds like it could be used as torture during the war. ]

[summertimeblues]

The only thing I'm sure of is that it was a steaming mountain of shit in a cluttered dump.

[text] un: yusei

[planetary_bonds]

Sounds like the CDs I'd sometimes find while scavenging.

[He's from 2026, and also Japan. Barbie Girl is...outdated, but tolerable, compared to the autotuned stuff out there now. Not that Yusei would know or care, because he has zero taste in music.]

Is that really how music used to be like?

[summertimeblues]

[did u know cds were first commercially available in 1982? because i did not. follow for more fun and useless eighties facts.]

Oh, don't tell me the world wound up subscribing to those souless tea saucers. They don't do the sound justice.

And no. Maybe some outlying dingbats made a genre out of it, but music as a whole? Not a chance.