text, u.n: J

[enarms]

Can't help but notice it's been a couple of days without anyone talking about murder. Are we all feeling alright?

Comments

[enarms]

You might not know this but you find it difficult to be convincingly disapproving via any medium if the person you're texting has met you

[cacoethical]

I KNOW but its even worse out loud trust me 😭😭😭😭😭 i mean im trying my best here

or maybe not my best but the best i can muster under the circumstances and anyway now ive started its a bit hard to go back isnt it?????

[enarms]

Remind me to make you a star chart

[cacoethical]

dont you dare 😒😒😒😒

wait what do you mean?????

[enarms]

You'll get a silver star every time you try really hard. Ten silver stars make a gold star, five gold stars and you'll get a reward

[ john ]

[cacoethical]

OH see thats extremely rude but still quite a lot nicer than I thought 😄😄😄😄😄 thank you john

i thought it was going to be the other sort you know as a jab about how everyone thinks im psychic even though im not

[enarms]

Oh. No, I was being rude on the terrestrial plane, don't worry. I'm not emotionally or mentally equipped to think about out of this worldly phenomena for fun, you're safe there

That something you get often?

[cacoethical]

incredibly yes

i mean im obviously something but PSYCHIC really????? patently ridiculous

but it turns out the best way to convince people you are psychic is to make a handful of lucky but also educated guesses and then insist that youre not

[enarms]

So in short you did essentially psychic things, played into the most basic "that sounds like something a psychic would say" narrative and you're still hoping people won't arrive at the assumption you're psychic

Tricky that one

[cacoethical]

but im not!!!!! i dont know anything EVER

anyway what kind of psychic would just SAY 'im not psychic'???? makes it much harder to fleece people out of their money for starters

though i guess if i was it wouldnt be fleecing would it?????? in reality though im really not because in reality this sort of thing DOESNT EXIST 😤😤😤😤😤😤😤 but you tell people that and suddenly its 'what does this make you think of' and 'what did i draw on this napkin' and 'i want you to concentrate really really hard on these aerial surveillance photos'

so comparatively speaking a star chart is very kind thank you again

actually people rarely take even a profoundly sarcastic interest in my achievements so maybe i should let you do it i mean what do i have to lose??????

[enarms]

If most "psychics" are frauds and label themselves psychic, it follows that people who go out of their way to deny being psychic might just be the actual psychics. If I were you I'd just start shrugging. Neither confirm nor deny, you'll either be mysterious or people will get bored and leave you alone

[ except for probably the ones who are asking you about aerial surveillance photos? not for the first time, John is made incidentally aware that this frazzled man has Seen Some Shit

but now it's time to reply to the last bit and it's... very sad actually. in his limited and yet more than adequate experience of Dirk Gently, he's found he's really not very good at being anything other than an open book, so— hm.

snatching a glance up over at Dirk over his phone there and away again before any accidental eye contact is made do not engage but... hm ]

Better start thinking of a reward then, eh?

[cacoethical]

[At a glance, Dirk doesn't appear unduly affected by the topic of conversation, barring a perhaps uncharacteristically pensive furrow in his brow. The circumstances of... well, any of the things he's just implied, really, are not things he feels like discussing in detail over the network or, ideally, ever -- but he is an open book, and also not very good at filtering these sorts of thoughts out, at stopping them from surfacing in either his internal or external monologues.

The last bit makes him smile though, glance up and aim a wide smile in John's direction, utterly unaware of the harrowing moment of eye contact they've both just narrowly avoided.]

well yes though i suppose some of them i dont want to leave me alone because if they all leave me alone then thats all ill be

what kind of rewards though??????? what are the limitations i mean i can think of quite a few possibilities but ive no idea whats feasible under the circumstances 🤔🤔🤔🤔 in a broader sense than just this in fact ive really no idea whats feasible full stop

but specifically in terms of rewards maybe i could make you a list and you could narrow it down???????????????????

[enarms]

[ jesus christ he just keeps happening. carry on, John. just... carry on, you know? ]

Yeah. Do that.

[cacoethical]

okay!!!!!!!! 😁😁😁😁😁😁😁😁

oh!!! i know!!!! you said you were a doctoring detective maybe you could tell me about some of your cases!!!!! 🕵🕵🕵🕵🕵

[enarms]

That's not a very long list

[cacoethical]

well its obviously not complete yet!!!!!!!! that was just an initial thought 😜😜😜😜😜 its just that were in the same business sort of and i do like to hear about other peoples cases

and talk about mine but that goes without saying i think

[enarms]

We can have an exchange, free of charge

[cacoethical]

id like that!!!!!! 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😁😁😁😁😁😁😁 wow none of these faces are happy enough are they?????? you get the idea

i guess ill have to go with item two then which is a great deal of ice cream

actually ice cream is item ten or so but i dont think the others are within your power formidable though im sure you are

[enarms]

I do indeed get the idea thanks

That must be some list if everything but ice cream's redacted. Ice cream it is

[cacoethical]

well id hate to put undue strain on our relationship especially given we have to live together so ive also redacted a few items for expediency i mean its nice enough youre doing anything at all

besides i have a lot of ice cream eating to catch up on

[enarms]

You're almost filling the chart in one swoop by merit of being an incredibly obliging person

[ I'm not anything close to used to this ]

And then we'd have to come up with a new list

[ in 2 deep with this lazily mean joke turned accidental investment ]

[cacoethical]

oh no 😖😖😖

now youve put me in a quandary 😖😖😖😖😖😖😖

if i continue to be obliging then i wont be obliging anymore 😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖

and if i try to be less obliging ill be obliging you 😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖😖

i cant be obliging while im being obliging but i cant not be obliging without being obliging 😧😧😧😧 youve trapped me in an endless paradoxical loop

i can never be obliging again and i can also never stop which by your logic both negates the purpose of the chart and means that any chart once made is immediately filled ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ so many stars too many stars

i suppose this means well just have to be friends

[enarms]

[ what have I unleashed upon myself ]

If that's what it takes to keep your texts at under 100 words a set

[ that's (un)friendly banter. so. sort of an okay then ]

[cacoethical]

i would love to oblige you but i fear this one thing may be too much to ask 😖😖😖😖

also weve just got done talking about obliging and how thats now impossible thanks solely to your own recklessness

or ive got done talking about it anyway which i suppose is the crux of your issue

[If John dares look up right now he will be confronted with absolutely, hands-down the shit-eating-est of grins. Dirk is having the most fun he's had in days -- it's rare that he genuinely feels as though has the upper hand in conversation.]

[enarms]

[ well, Dirk. he does dare. and he'll take your shit-eating grin and raise you an absolutely filthy look— there's a chance it was supposed to come off as one thing, but despite being on the losing side he's accidentally having fun too so the hint of a smile tucked in at its corner likely gives him away.

and this is the exact point as which he's spoiling everyone's fun, depositing his phone and moving the approximately three steps necessary to get to the "kitchen". abandon ship abandon ship. ]

I'm thirsty. Tea?

[ because of fucking course he's smuggled teabags down from Thesa, if only because the coffee's under firmer guard ]