elnysa | I. | audio | un: sparkler

Is... is this thing on? [Excuse the uh, distinct sound of someone tapping a screen like an old person.] Hello? Oh! There you are. Excellent.

So, now that we've gotten the world's-- sorry, the universe's biggest trust fall known to man and not-man, I think it's time we start popping the question. The real question. No hypotheticals, no, excuse me, [Dorian voice turning a pitch higher in imitation of... someone? Who knows. This is probably the collective voice of all of you. It's incredibly inaccurate.]

If I had the chance, I'd do it! They're a bad person! They killed hundreds of people, or... or one time they looked at me funny and they had shiny things galore! [ahem] We've all had drama against one another, with no real way of proving they're a terrible person other than the game of he said, she said, so! Let's get straight to it, shall we?

Have you, yes, you, killed someone or... something? Poof, gone, light left their eyes if they have them, turns out they're dead forever or it's like a five-minute deal. Whatever have you; it still counts if they stopped breathing.

If yes, why? Should we all expect a knife in our back? Get electrocuted to death? Be made to walk off a cliff? What are the qualifiers for this sort of thing, really? Personal vendettas? OR... perhaps you were playing the hero. [the deets, give the sweet deets.]

If no, well... I didn't think that far ahead, truth be told. You're more than likely surrounded by murderers, so... what's... a food you miss? Murderers can probably answer this as well, perhaps we'll find some sort of connection. [or, like, just listen to how many people you met have killed someone? have fun with that.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ SizzleItUp@LinkedIn reveals a gun! ]

It absolutely is, been using that bad boy for years. Wrote it myself! You can find it in chapter six of my book, Seven Habits for Highly Effective Elves: Seek First to Understand, Then if You Gotta Go Off Your Ass is Covered.

Anyway, Officer, I've never heard of Goldcliffe, or -- uh, I don't know his name, so who cares, right? I wasn't there, and you can't prove dick.

[Things are looking fine for now.]

For highly effective elves? I suppose you would use that as an excuse not to elaborate on this very real book that really, truly, exists. Because you're capable of writing a book with standing Adventurer law. [Yeah, right, he wasn't born yesterday?]

Why would I be proving-- Why are to of you talking of wires, officers and Goldcliffe?! Are you both hiding something?!

[At the Goldcliffe question he makes a "zips up lips and then throws away the key" gesture. Then immediately begins talking again.]

Now I have to prove I have things that very obviously exist and are real? Like an effective elf can't write a best selling life advice book and carry it around with him at all times? I'm gonna need to see a warrant if you want to go digging around in my inventory, my dude.

Oh? I have just the thing, one moment.

[There's some rustling as Dorian turns away from the camera, rifling through things he has around him. He's a blur with some sort of pen for a few seconds, then he's reappearing with a paper.]

I think you'll find everything is in order.

[ Hello? Darma? This douche is trying to loot me before I'm dead? Please ban him from the game? ]

Ooooh, see, now that's definitely not a multidimensional warrant. It's not even published, compadre.

Why do you want to know so badly? You, uh, got some murder weighing down your soul here? Looking to confess to someone?

It isn't? I wrote my name in excessively curved letters for nothing?

[Like Taako has anything worth looting? Please. He doesn't even have fashionable leather straps.]

I'd love to confess all my deepest regrets to strangers on the network. [irony, considering his post,] I'm actually preparing a leaderboard. I need to know if I should be at the top.

Yeah? I mean, put in a little effort here. A glitter pen wouldn't kill you.

[ It's true. He has an extremely overwhelming umbrella-based accessorizing system. He's not much of a leather fashionista. ]

Well you can't make claims like that without backing it up. Unleash, my man. I'm, uh, listening.

Oh. [He has bragging rights? For once? No judgement? Nice.]

Well, there was one altus in my homeland who might as well have died on the spot after I scorched him. Losing eyebrows really took him down several pegs in the looks department, which is all he had-- No, let's see. There's the demons popping out of holes in the sky, usually around I don't know... eight a pop? I've probably dealt with about thirty of those fantastic little parties, so I'll just not do that math for you. There was a little time travelling experience, so I'm not entirely sure it counts if the future where all your friends are old never came to be.

Generally, there's the Mages and Templars, then Templars: Special Edition, where they've lost their minds to magic crystals. There's the Venatori, people from my homeland that believe a giant hole in the sky should get even bigger. Party guests that turn out to be assassins, a duchess that turns out to be an assassin... Ancient elves until they stopped attacking us, then the people attacking the ancient elves, you know. As you do. Oh, of course, if the demons from the sky weren't enough, we also have infected beasts from the ground! And dragons. And bears. Bears are debatably worse than dragons.

[He doesn't have silly things let spell slots, so like, +1 for Dorian? +1 for Dorian.]

After you add all the uncategorized crazed or just looters, my count is probably in the hundreds. With assists.

I. | audio | un: sparkler

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i marked this as read so just imagine dorian is bad at technology

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