text | un: roman

[twofates]

What does it mean to love someone? How are you supposed to feel?

[ Hi, everyone. Have an awkward, developmentally-stunted dude who asks weird questions with no preamble. It's a heavy topic most people would probably prefer to discuss with close friends and family, not someone they've never met, but Roman doesn't think like that. It doesn't occur to him that some topics may not be appropriate to post on a network like this with relative strangers.

It doesn't occur to him that some people probably can't relate, or wouldn't care about this kind of inner turmoil. There are plenty of other things to worry about here, too, but these thoughts take precedence to him. Surviving in a strange new world is, to him, almost preferable to the struggles within, those of the heart and soul. ]

Some people don't deserve it, do they?

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text, un: morrigan

[courtintrigue]

Ah, so this is now a forum for romantic philosophy. Wonderful.

Do you ask because you wish to make a study of us all?

[twofates]

No. I'm sorry. I'm asking because it's not something I've ever understood or known.

[ For a few weeks, once, he thinks he had a glimpse of what it maybe felt like for anyone to genuinely care about him. But it wasn't long enough to understand love or basic human connections, and it turned out he was betrayed by that person (his sister) anyway. ]

[courtintrigue]

[ This unexpected immediate apology takes some of the wind out of her sails. ]

And it weighs this heavily on your mind?

Perhaps you should simply count yourself as fortunate. Sentiment is little more than weakness.

[twofates]

You think it's weakness? I haven't felt anything for most of my life. And I think, because of that, it made it easy to hurt people. I thought the opposite would be better.

[courtintrigue]

Unquestionably a weakness.

There is only so much responsibility one can take for the feelings of others, assuming you did not murder anyone's family.

[ That tends to spark anger, and she does not truly fault that anger even though she realizes having once asked her dearest friend to kill her mother may give her a less conventional point of view. ]

Are you merely being poetic when you say you have felt nothing?

[twofates]

[ He's pretty sure he's murdered family members. Entire families, no, but he's killed innocent people, and most people belong to someone somewhere. Someone missed the people he killed, and that haunts him now that he has the clarity of mind to see his actions for what they were: the acts of a monster. ]

I'm not being poetic. I'm being honest. I guess anger was something I felt for most of my life. When the anger went away, there was quiet. A void.

[courtintrigue]

[ While she is pleased that she can take him literally, that does not seem the norm. ]

In my world there are [ were ] warriors called berserkers. They rage in the heat of battle, fury making them stronger and more resilient. I have known a few, one rarely sober outside of battle, and I have on occasion wondered if something like what you describe is what they feel when not fighting.

[twofates]

They're either angry, or empty?

[ In a way, it almost makes sense. It feels like what he feels. Though to be fair, the anger is mostly gone because the source of his anger is gone. He has nothing and no one to really be angry at anymore, at least right now. ]

[courtintrigue]

I have never asked. But having seen their blood frenzy one wonders if anything but battle makes them feel alive.

[ Enjoying the thrill of combat is not odd to her -- not at all -- but she can think of things more enjoyable than risking her life. ]

I suspect you will get no satisfactory answers from this. My mother, if awake, would tell you that love and beauty are needless distractions.

[twofates]

I'm not sure what ever made me feel alive.

[ When he'd been forced to kill people, it was too personal. He was never in battle, defending his life or anyone else's. He would choke people, stab them, shoot them in the head when they begged for their lives. He didn't like that. There was no thrill in it for him, just emptiness. ]

What makes you feel alive?

[courtintrigue]

[ No one has asked her a question quite like that in a long time. For a moment she feels vaguely glad that this method of communication will not betray her surprise. ]

Magic.

Surviving dangerous situations will do the trick as well, but I prefer not to make a habit of risking my life without a good reason.