video; @unchained

[hedonistic]

[There video opens to a beautiful scene of a sunset at the Fishing District, sky painted in magnificent pinks and oranges that reflect against the pristine ice. A few moments later, a young man's voice accompanies it, tinged with the telltale slurring of someone who's rather drunk.]

Hey, question.

[A pause hangs in the air for a minute, almost long enough that one might wonder if he's gotten distracted or forgotten.]

Did you like your life, before the Storm? [. . .] If the Natha gave you a chance to go back, would any of you stay here?

[Kagari doesn't miss Japan. He doesn't feel homesick. He misses his friends, sure, but he's had more in the past nine months than he did in the twenty-one years before it. But he's starting to feel like the only one.]

Comments

[hedonistic]

its nit kind its just try
true
way to nice tbh
like, ginna get takn advintage of someday nice

[whoops, he hadn't ever meant to actually say that. this is what happens when alcohol makes you lose what minimal filter you have.]

[inaurare]

Oh, I am well aware.

[his being aware of it has hardly made any difference.]

[hedonistic]

[....huh. that wasn't the kind of answer he was expecting.]

why, then?

[The why has bothered him ever since Linneus had offered to let him dry off in his home, that one rainy day. Kagari's always assumed he was one of those guys who just couldn't see it as something that could get them hurt, just had too much faith in people in general to worry about it. But apparently not. Linneus had admitted to not being physically very strong before, so if he knows that, and he knows people could try to take advantage of his kindness, then why did he keep doing it? Kagari doesn't understand. And he hasn't quite realized how far they've strayed off-topic by now, either.]

[inaurare]

Why be nice?

Or why risk having my kindness be taken advantage of...?

[hedonistic]

idk both?

[inaurare]

Is it not better to be kind?

[he knows how idealistic the words sound. But they feel better than anything else at his fingertips right now, so he will still send them.]

[hedonistic]

[Good thing this conversation is text and not audio because...Kagari's first reaction to that is to laugh. These are the sort of conversations where he sees so clearly the difference between himself and "good" people--a gulf he could never hope to bridge, and honestly doesn't care to. Sometimes, it just makes him angry. Others, like now, he merely feels empty.]

u tel me
u kno peple are gona screw you ovr
and u dont evn havea bilion frends to show for it
whats the point

[inaurare]

I know it to be a possibility. But that possibility is lower, being here - I can't say I consider myself as having been taken advantage of at all, not by other refugees.

My life before was different. So to answer again... no, I would not choose to go back to it. Not if it would sacrifice all I have built here.

[hedonistic]

this from thguy who was wanderign arund the station lookin for other peoples chores to do

what was diferent bout before?

[inaurare]

[a good thing indeed this isn't audio or video, or he would be quick to protest, 'that wasn't--'. Instead he uses the medium to at least choose his words deliberately - whether they'll be taken as such...]

I was sold into service as a child. I've had other people decide how I should be put to use for most of my life.

I get to choose now, at least.

[hedonistic]

[The phone nearly falls out of his hands. Of all the things he'd expected Linneus' life to have been like, he hadn't thought it was anything remotely like his own. It's different, still, because there was no use for him until he became an adult, but he knows what it's like not to have a choice about what your life is going to look like. That freedom is his favorite thing about El Nysa. And even then, Linneus still cares about people? Why? It shakes him. He wants to scream, or break something -- maybe Sybil was right about him, all along. Maybe he really was just fucking born deficient.

There's several minutes of no reply at all.]

i know how that goes
i wouldnt trade the freedom here for anything

[he admits, finally. once he's able to calm himself down, he watches his typing more carefully.]

but i still dont get you
arent you pissed off that people wrecked your life? for what, money?

[inaurare]

It is... too complicated to get into here. But I don’t hold my father any ill will for the choice he made.

[it is easier to speak on what he has already brought up. The rest of the wreckage... well, Linneus determines that largely on his own making.]

I think he was simply trying to secure a better life for his son before his vices took hold. Or perhaps it was only his vices to blame but even then... that is only sad for me.

alskjdkfjs i'm sorry he's such a hot mess lmfao ... u dont deserve this meltdown linneus

[hedonistic]

ugggghhhhhhhh of course you fucking dont

[It's almost like a switch is flipped--anger is such an easy emotion for Kagari to access, always right there under the surface, waiting to protect the more vulnerable parts of his heart from emotions he's less comfortable with. Linneus' situation cuts deep into scars seventeen years deep, and no one ever gave him the tools to be able to care about people properly. He was never supposed to need to, after all.]

do you care about EVERYONE but yourself? is that it? what the hell is wrong with you!

Adjdksosjshs Kagari :(

[inaurare]

[there is a pause while he considers the words - tone is always hard to read over these devices but it is clear he cut, even if he hadn’t meant to. For Kagari to cut back is entirely fair - and Linneus isn’t even sure his assessment is wrong, so even if he were the type to deal them, there is no swift rebuke. Just three words, carefully considered-]

It is possible.

[there are far too many aspects of his upbringing he hasn’t unpicked or examined for himself.]

I think I have always reached out to others. For my childhood I had people in my life that stayed, that I even fought for, but...

I simply got used to people leaving, as I grew older. Choices I made drove some away, others simply left

[how to put this]

Once they had what they wanted.

I belonged to the house. I had no business turning away those I didn’t want, no right to chase after those few I wanted to.

weh!!! i love these sad nerds

[hedonistic]

[Kagari's skin crawls at the implications of what Linneus is saying. Much as he thinks of himself as a hardass who doesn't give a shit, he's always held a vulnerability toward kids because of what he's been through. Thinking about other kids suffering like he did always makes him feel vaguely ill; there's a reason why he can't stand to hear kids cry, even now.

There's no response on his end for a long while, too, while he actually thinks about what to say and how to say it, for once. When it comes, this one seems less like a kneejerk. It's probably the most honest Kagari's been with him, up to now.]

i never had anyone, as a kid
its a long story but my parents gave me up when i was little too
the government had this tech to figure out who all wasnt fit to be part of society and i spent my childhood locked up for the benefit of all the "wholesome" citizens on the outside
the only friends ive ever had i didnt make until i was about twenty
i died for them, you know?
id do it again
but i wouldnt do it for most people

you, though
you said you werent strong enough to help me down from that roof but you tried to anyway
you let me into your house before you even knew my name
you gave me stuff you bought for yourself because i happened to need it at that moment
youd probably even risk your life for me, even though i wouldnt for you
youre probably like this with everyone, and it pisses me off

when i met you i thought you were at least like my friend with her perfect happy life who never really knew how garbage people really are
but i was wrong, and that pisses me off even more
youre just gonna let the whole goddamn world drain you dry and you wont even care
its fucked up
its fucked up and i hate it

Struggling with WiFi and location names, sorry XD

[inaurare]

[he chose it, though. He knows this his choosing it doesn’t mean that he wanted the ways he was treated, or even deserved it. But he chose it... the consequences were his to bear.]

I’m sorry. I don’t understand it all, but I’m sorry that happened to you.

[it feels silly to say, as he reads things over again, hoping to take a little more meaning from the earlier part in the second reading. There’s too much he doesn’t understand, the hows and the whys and maybe that renders his apology defunct. Hollow. Maybe that’s not what Kagari wants to hear right now.]

Why would I not do those things...? You are a refugee as I am, but you weren’t even in the city you chose when you were caught in the rain...

[leaving out the part about breaking and entering, sure. Honestly Kagari’s attempts at entering the Dragon Cafe week take in comparison to everything around it]

Ought I have left you to fall, then - or you would have at least fallen ill.

[a pause before replying to the last.]

It’s to happen either way, don’t you think? I think I would rather it be as I choose than as is chosen for me.

no worries! c:

[hedonistic]

[Kagari sighs. He didn't tell Linneus about his past so he could feel sorry for him. He doesn't want Linneus to feel sorry for him, especially when he's been in an equally shitty boat. Kagari had hoped telling him would help him understand, but it seems like the other man has missed his point.]

its always better to be able to choose, yeah
but is that really what you want? to keep giving and giving to people whove got nothing to give you back?
isnt there anything you want just for yourself?
you dont have to keep dropping everything for every sad-looking chump you pass, is all im saying
you dont owe anyone shit, refugee or not

[inaurare]

I don't give with the expectation of being given back to.

[and surely it is mean, to give expecting recompense or at least a favour owed in kind. He doesn't like that - or the kind of giving that demands a favour down the road. It feels like giving in bad faith.

He never retreated, when perhaps that seemed like the normal thing to do; he never really closed off his heart. Linneus can understand why people would... but that was never him]

No, I don't owe anyone anything. Nor do I wish them to owe me. But I think kindness is important. Maybe it is idealistic of me, but if I can help someone, I think I should.


((ohhh dear, autocorrect, the fails continue XD "week take" -> were tame...!))

[hedonistic]

[He wonders what it's like, to say things like that and earnestly believe them. Kagari can't...relate to that feeling, not in the same way. The only human connections he was ever allowed to make were those in a similar situation to his own, and his "handlers", as it were, Akane and Gino. Akane aside, the kinship with the others came naturally. He was never able to seek it elsewhere, and by the time even that much was possible, he didn't want it elsewhere. He cared deeply about his friends and felt no further obligation to anyone or anything, and in El Nysa it's been the same, even though his circle has been able to widen with freedom.

Linneus doesn't feel the same way. Kagari doesn't get it, but he doesn't push any further than that. He hates it when anyone tells him how to live his life, after all. Freedom is freedom, which means Linneus has the freedom to use his differently than Kagari does. He'd asked the other man if this was what he truly wanted, and it seemed as if the answer was "yes".]

huh
well if thats how you feel, i guess thats that